Dancing With God: What I've Learned from Each of my Children

This past Saturday was our church's annual women's Christmas brunch. We were joined by ten women from our sister church in Dallas, Texas. Each year we invite someone to come and speak at this brunch, and this year we invited one of the women from our sister church to offer the message. She spoke from her personal journey. She shared stories, and she challenged us to dance with God. It was one of the most challenging and beautiful messages I've heard in a while. She spoke about dancing with God in all of life's circumstances, and I had to wonder, have I danced with God to the best of my ability over the past thirteen and a half months? This question got me thinking about what I've learned from both of my babies, and whether or not it's possible for the dance to be different depending on the point in the journey.

Dancing with God: My first pregnancy
My first pregnancy started out with much joy tempered by the discovery that we needed to say goodbye to our first cat, Anje (pronounced An-ya). Within the first week of my pregnancy, we also had the first of two major scares. I started spotting right at five weeks, and made my first visit to my doctor much earlier than we were expecting for an ultrasound. I continued to spot off and on through week eight. During week seven, I spent a day in the emergency room with a more major bleeding issue. I started off my pregnancy with Faith plagued by anxiety because of these events. I have to wonder when I look back now if some of my anxiety wasn't my body's way of letting me know that something was wrong. I think during these weeks the dance was a cautiously joyful dance. I was incredibly grateful for the gift of the child we were expecting.

I think the dance became increasingly joyful over the weeks. By the time we reached the last days of my pregnancy with Faith, I was wholeheartedly dancing. The dance faltered and stuttered when we found out that we'd lost our baby girl. It never stopped, but the tone of the dance completely changed. It slowed down and became a melancholy sway. It was the dance of one who has no choice but to fully lean on the One who is leading. Over the months, this was the dance that taught me about grief and loss.

Through this dance and the beautiful experience of knowing my daughter for even a few short months, I learned about myself. I learned about grief. I learned about what it means to be vulnerable. I learned lessons that have changed me as a ministering person. I learned that ministering to the hurting and grieving is about listening, but not just listening to what is said. It is about hearing what is not said, what the heart of the grieving person wordlessly needs.

 I learned about joy. I learned about the joy of new life, about doing your utmost to enjoy every moment of every life that blesses our world. I learned about gratitude, about finding gratitude no matter your circumstance. I learned so much from my daughter and the experience of losing her, but more than anything, I learned to know myself in unexpected ways. God used my daughter to show me what it means to rely on God fully, to show me that God has shaped me into a woman whose strength comes from the Spirit within her.

Dancing with God: My second pregnancy
My pregnancy with N was truly a roller coaster of emotions. Looking back, I know the end of my first pregnancy left me feeling like I was midway through an unfinished race. We wanted a child so much. There were less than three full months between the end of my pregnancy with Faith and my pregnancy with N. In so many ways, the grief was still very fresh when we found out we were again expecting. The first weeks were weeks of ecstatic dancing. There was so much joy and peace. I think I a part of me knew that this second pregnancy was different right from the start. Holding on to that feeling was more of a challenge.

As the months passed, the physical pressures of the pregnancy combined with the grieving process to slow the dance from its initial ecstatic pace. It became a slow and steady dance, moving forward day by day, never stopping the motion, sometimes moving more joyously, other times moving hesitantly.

My second pregnancy taught me even more about relying on God. It taught me about the power of prayer in ways I never expected. Those were months of learning to accept my own personal miracles, learning to trust in the good gifts of God.

Dancing with God: Motherhood
I've been a mother for over a year, but it is only within the last eight weeks that I fully entered motherhood. My miracle arrived early, and our journey together has been a joyous and challenging one. The dance during his arrival and our first few weeks together was one of learning to adjust. It was all about learning to accept that even though our path was not what I had planned it was still good.

Over the weeks since N's arrival the dance has become increasingly joyful. It is a dance that reflects the goodness of God. It is a dance that longs to welcome others to join in. Taking N to church each week, singing to him songs of God's love, telling him stories, reading to him from God's Word, these are all new parts of the dance.

Advent has begun, and we are in waiting once again. Last year, Advent was one of darkness for me. This year, Advent is all about the Light. The Light felt far away and distant last year. This year, the Light has grown and expanded within me. It is spilling out (seriously, it's spilling out in excessive decorating, wearing silly Christmas socks, listening to Pandora's Jazz Holiday station incessantly, and making a variety of Christmas projects!!). This year, the dance is growing more and more exuberant each day. The anticipation of welcoming the Christ child and the joy of the wait are things I haven't experienced in quite this way before.

If your Advent is one of darkness, may you feel the presence of God as you journey through the waiting. May you have patience with yourself and your darkness. May your dance continue even if it is just a slow and melancholy sway.

If your Advent is one of Light, may you shine brightly. May your Light give hope to those in darkness. May you hold in the Light those around you who journey through their darkest days. May you dance exuberantly even if people are watching.

Whether your Advent is one of darkness or Light, whether you are dancing with joy or moving to the beat of grief and sadness, whether you are marking off the days on the calendar in anticipation or as signs that you have survived another day, may we all feel the Presence of the Spirit journeying with us as we wait this Advent season.

One Year

In two days it will be one year since my first post on this blog. In many ways it feels like yesterday that we lost our baby girl, but in other ways it feels like a lifetime has passed. As I write this post, my son is sleeping on my chest. I'm not sure I could have imagined one year ago where I would be today. There are no words to describe my gratitude for the blessings that have come this past year. There are also no words to describe the tears and grief of this past year. My God is the God of both blessings and tears. My God has placed wonderful people in my life including my husband and my son and has used them to bless me with joy. My God has counted and saved my tears and has walked with me my through the darkness of grief and loss.

One year ago I posted the story of my blog's name. I had no idea how prophetic the song "No Matter What Goes Right" would be for this last year. M and I experienced what has undoubtedly been one of the most trying times we've encountered in the six years we've know each other. As the song says, "when couples fight their troubles it unites their hearts." Our hearts have been united through shared loss. But just as the song promises, our hearts have also been and continue to be united through shared joy. Both of our children have bonded us together in unique ways. "No Matter What Goes Right" has become a promise for me over the last months, a love song that rings true in my heart in many ways.

As much as I love my husband, the words "no matter what goes right" have also become my promise to myself, to my God, and now, to my son. I will hold the lessons I have learned in my grief dear to my heart. I will allow them to mold me into a better version of me. I will use them to minister to others who are experiencing loss. I will strive to live in gratitude in all situations but especially no matter what goes right.

I post the song again as a reminder to myself of where I've been, how far I've come, and that no matter what goes right, love will always surround me. Please excuse the quality of the video.

Grieving the loss of a plan

All through my pregnancy, M reminded me that pregnancy had caused me to lose my filter. I had (and maybe still have) a tendency to provide way too much information. I might be about to do that again, but I think these are things that need to be shared.

Yesterday, N and I made a trip back to my doctor. Between the c-section, lack of sleep, trouble breastfeeding, and general adjustment to life with baby, my emotional state has been completely out of wack.  I decided to get some help before things got any worse. I have officially been diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD). Two pregnancies in less than a year and a half, the loss of a baby, and a family history of anxiety and depression, put me in a high risk category for PPD. I was warned by a number of doctors and nurses leading up to delivery, and we were watching closely to make sure I got help early if I needed it. I do.

In addition to getting help getting my emotions back on more positive footing, we have decided at the suggestion of my doctor and N's doctor to let go of breastfeeding. This has not been an easy decision. I fully expected to breastfeed N for at least the first full year, but it just isn't worth fighting him over it anymore. Neither one of us need the additional stress right now, and in order to be sure I that I am able to be the best mom possible, this is something I need to let go. I plan to continue pumping either as long as I am able to or until I'm ready to let that go as well, so N will continue to get some breast milk, but this was certainly not the plan from the start.

My doctor said yesterday that I need to allow myself time to grieve the loss of my plans. I've always been a planner. I like knowing that I have a plan for every situation. I will have entire conversations in my head so that I can be prepared for whatever comes up and have a plan for what I will say if the conversation goes this way or that way. I had a plan for welcoming N into the world, a plan for bringing him home, a plan for the first weeks of his life and beyond. I was not planning on having a c-section (but my doctor reminded me yesterday that I really did do everything I could to avoid the c-section). I was not planning on bottle feeding or having to supplement with formula. I was not planning on needing extra recovery time or fighting PPD. I have to allow myself time to grieve the loss of these plans in order to move on and embrace my new reality.

N is perfect. He is healthy and strong. He cries when he's hungry or needs to be changed, but he's quiet otherwise. He's a great baby, and I am blessed. But, I still need to allow myself time to adjust my expectations to my reality, to get emotionally healthy again, and I could use some prayers as I do.

He's Here!

He's here! Most of you (or more likely all of you) already know this and have been wondering how we're doing so here's an update!

1. This is Nikolas Johannes. He was born on 10/11/12 at 11:55 pm. He weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. I seem to need to keep learning the hard lesson that not everything goes according to plan. We went to the doctor one week ago today and found that my blood pressure had risen considerably. My doctor recommended induction, so Thursday morning at 6 am we arrived at the hospital to start pitocen. Long story short, it took over 14 hours for me to be ready to push, and after 2 1/2 hours of pushing, it was clear that I was wearing out, so we ended up having a c-section.

2. Coming home from the hospital with a baby was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. He's a really good baby. He only cries when we're changing his diaper and when he's hungry.

3. We have been having feeding issues. At first, Nikolas seemed to be having feeding resistance issues. He'd start eating and latch on well only to push me away seconds later. We've been to see the lactation consultant at the hospital twice in two days. Last night, I realized after purchasing a new electric pump that my milk supply is not enough for him right now, so we're having to supplement with formula. Prayers for all of us would be appreciated. Mom's emotions are pretty raw after little sleep and major surgery. We really want to get this breastfeeding thing down, but it's been super frustrating and there have been many tears (mostly on my part!).

4. M heads back to work tomorrow for a really long day. He's got a teacher work day from 8 to 12 and parent/teacher conferences from 12 to 8. This will not be a good day for any of us. I'm pretty nervous about not having M here to talk me down when I get overly emotional, and I think it's going to be hard for him to be gone so long from both N and me.

5. I've realized that some of my raw emotions are stemming from the fact that Sunday will be the one year anniversary of Faith's birth. Spending time with N has been wonderful, but it's also reminded me how much I miss my baby girl. Sunday will be hard.

Another whine...

I am uncomfortable. I am tired and I am uncomfortable. I am quite sure I will be pregnant forever. This baby has decided he's never coming out. That is all.

37 Weeks

Today marks 37 weeks that Baby Graber has been growing and changing and getting ready to join our world. We have officially reached full term! Baby Graber will no longer be premature or preterm if he arrives at this point.

Yesterday's doctor's appointment went well. Baby Graber made his presence known during his heartbeat check by kicking the doctor! It also appears that he's dropped in the last week, and my doctor's years of experience tell her that means we have between one and two weeks left. She seemed fairly confident that we'd be back for our appointment next week, but there's a good chance the one after that will be canceled because Baby will be here! I'm very ready!

Today's projects include a few final preparations for Baby Graber. His many things have been stashed in his room waiting for him. Now it's time to find homes for them. I've also got a few sewing projects left to finish. Nothing major, fortunately, but things I want to complete before we bring Baby Graber home and I no longer want to spend my time on them for a while. We've also had a bag packed for the hospital for the last week or so, but today I want to go back through it and the list from the hospital of what to bring and double check that we've got everything we need. (Did you know they recommend bringing a small paper bag in case of hyperventilation. Not sure if it's for me or for M...)

All that's left now is to wait for labor to begin... (Everywhere I go people have started to be surprised to see me. "No baby yet, huh?")

So Many Thoughts... Post Three

If each of today's three posts had its own title the first would be called "That Time Again," the second would be called "Someday," and this last one would be called "Sometimes." Hopefully somewhere in one of the three you've found something worth reading!

Sometimes, as we get closer every day to welcoming Baby Graber, I start thinking about doing all the little things with him that I didn't get to do with Faith and I just want to cry. The tears are both happy and sad. They are tears for what I didn't get to do with my first baby, things I wanted to do, things I didn't know I wanted to do, things my heart still longs to do. They are tears of joy because I will get to do these things and more with my son.

Yesterday we were at the hospital to preregister for delivery. There are an abundance of things to sign, choices to make, things they need to tell you about hospital policy and security and what to expect when you take your baby home. I have been warned about "purple crying" and told that it's okay to make sure your baby is safe then walk away until you are calm enough to go back to him. I've realized that even being angry and annoyed and frustrated enough to need to walk away is something that I am looking forward to because it means he's here.

I am looking forward to changing stinky diapers and complaining about explosive messes and telling everyone who touches him to "wash your hands." I am looking forward midnight feedings and snuggling on the couch and being able to stare into each others eyes and knowing that we see one another. I'm already planning in my head what he'll wear to meet this person or that person, how we'll introduce him to his family, even how we'll introduce him to Simon and Lilly. Sometimes when I think about these things, good and bad, messy and exciting, I just want to cry both for what should have been and for what will be. And, in the midst of these tears is the never ending impatience for labor to begin, the longing for these last days or weeks to go by quickly, so we can take that first family picture and share this new little person with the world!

So Many Thoughts... Post Two

Lately, I've realized that I wish there were a book that could tell me my emotions throughout this pregnancy, a pregnancy after a late loss, are normal emotions. There's such a roller coaster of emotions with any pregnancy, but I'm fairly confident that the emotions after a loss like ours are not entirely what you'd expect from most normal, routine pregnancies. Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been completely ordinary (praise God! I'm pretty sure this is the only time I want my child to fall completely within the category of 'normal'!), my emotional swings have been even more unpredictable than they were last time (just ask M).

Given that there really isn't a 'right' way to grieve the loss of a pregnancy or child, it seems that it would follow that there's no 'right' way to experience pregnancy after such a loss, but it would be nice to read that in a book. I've been rolling the idea around in my head of someday working on such a book. This book would include my own stories and those of others who have traveled the road of pregnancy after loss. It would be a book about hope. It would be a book that helps other moms know that the ups and downs they experience are normal, that there will be times when anxiety will be overwhelming and times when you feel complete elation that you have been blessed to carry another child. It would give each mom permission to experience the journey in her own way, to call her doctor for every twinge, to encourage her on the journey by sharing our own stories of what to expect when you are expecting after a loss.

This is on my list for someday, but as I'm still on the journey and want to be sure I have plenty of time with my son after he arrives, it will stay on the someday list for a while. I have a story to share, and I know there are others who have or will have stories to share. These stories need to be told so that others will not feel so alone. Pregnancy after loss is a long, long road, but I think there are things we can offer to each other when we've traveled this road that can make the journey easier for others. Someday, I'd like to have the chance to try.

So many thoughts... Post One of Three

The last couple of days I've had a lot of thoughts running through my head that are all loosely connected, but really quite different things. I've decided to give to each its own blog post. I think they are all worthy of your time and mine, so please read all three!

It's that time again. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and  yesterday kicked off a whole month of awareness raising events. The image above will be my Facebook profile image for the month of October. Yes, I realize that I am also expecting Baby Graber sometime this month, but his image and images of us together will have eleven months of the year to grace my Facebook page. My baby girl, Faith, will always be remembered for the month of October.

If you have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, I encourage you to visit this site to find the appropriate image for your loss and use it as your Facebook profile image for some or all of this month. There is incredible loneliness in the loss of a pregnancy or child. No woman should ever have to feel any more alone than they have to. Help tell the world and those around you that we are not alone in our losses, that despite being a horrible club in which to belong the "mothers of children who are not here club" is ready to support each other through the journey!

Feels like a long wait

Thursday marked 36 weeks for this pregnancy which takes my total count of weeks pregnant up to 57! I'm so ready to meet this little person. Every day we get a little more ready to welcome him. Yesterday I finished getting a baby blanket ready for him. Unfortunately, you'll all have to wait to see pictures because I appliqued his name on it! Here's a few thoughts on the last weeks of pregnancy.

First, I'm pretty sure that Baby Graber has decided not to come out. Eighteen years from now he'll still be wiggling around in my stomach as I take him off to college! I feel like I've been pregnant forever and as much as my head logically knows Baby Graber will eventually come, I have moments when I'm quite positive he's not coming out!

Second, we've reach the point in this pregnancy where Baby Graber could come anytime and be a perfectly healthy little boy. Each day that goes by gives us less time we'd have to spend in the hospital with him. Realizing that has taken my anxiety level back up. I can't help but thinking how much worse it will be if something happens at this point. I know what can go wrong, and I also know that it's unlikely that any of those things will happen, but my anxiety is still growing. I want so much to watch my son grow up and help him become the person God intends him to be. I know what it's like not to have the chance to do that, and I worry that I won't get the chance with this baby. Trust is hard right now.

Third, I'm actually looking forward to labor and delivery. I am increasingly uncomfortable. I know what labor will be like, but I also know that my doctor will do everything possible to make sure that labor has a very different outcome this time. M seems to be just waiting for me to go into labor and asks frequently how I'm feeling as though that will help us know when this little one will come. My doctor said on Wednesday that she didn't think he'd be coming before our next appointment, so I guess I'm not expecting anything to happen soon, but it's a bit strange to have people watching you so closely!

Fourth, I'm sure my anxiety has been increased in part by the fact that Baby Graber is running out of room to move. In the last couple of weeks, his movements have changed considerably. He just can't get enough momentum going to kick quite the same way. My ribs are grateful, but when he's really quiet for most of the afternoon, I can't help but worry occasionally. All this is apparently normal, but I've been assured over and over by my doctor that I can come in any time and have them check with a fetal movement monitor to be sure he's doing okay. They'd rather have me come in frequently than miss our window to do something if there's anything wrong. (Just to ease your mind as well as mine, he's moving fine right now. Lots of kicks!)

So there you have it! A few thoughts as we head into the last weeks of pregnancy. I am very eager to get the show on the road, but I also don't want to rush a baby who isn't ready into the world. Prayers for patience and trust would be appreciated, and I have to say, there's no way we'd have made it this far without the prayers and support of so many wonderful folks! Thank you!

Relaxing...a little more

We've made it to 35 weeks and had a great appointment with the doctor yesterday. We'll see her every week from here on out. Baby Graber is doing just what he's supposed to...he's running out of room! He's still finding a way to give me sore ribs, but he can't kick quite as hard because there's no room to wind up a good kick.

Yesterday's appointment provided two pieces of what feel like really good news. First, if Baby Graber were to arrive today, he might spend a day or two in the Special Care Unit, but we'd probably go home from the hospital together! That feels like fabulous news. After leaving the hospital with empty arms nearly eleven months ago, I think a huge part of me was dreading the idea of having to do that again even though we'd be returning to visit our baby. Somehow, going home together is a goal I'm not sure I even knew I had.

Second, we can expect this delivery to be more like a typical second delivery than a first delivery in spite of the fact that Baby Graber will be much larger than Faith. After hearing about 24-plus hour labors at our childbirth class, M was a bit apprehensive about labor. Given that the average time for a second delivery is 8 hours, we can expect this delivery to be shorter than last time and, to quote my doctor directly, "easier." I think I was expecting that this time would probably be faster, but it never occurred to me that I could actually hope this one would be easier given that Baby Graber is currently around six times larger or more than Faith.

Experience has taught me that Baby Graber's heartbeat could stop at any time and accidents happen, but I think our visit with the doctor yesterday is helping me relax just a little bit more. She would prefer not to induce, but she was very understanding when I mentioned that if we make it to 40 weeks, I'm probably going to be desperate to be done. She jokingly said I've been pregnant for about 3 years! (Some days it really does feel that way!!) The next goal is to keep Baby Graber where he is for about three more weeks, but then we'll all be ready for him to make an appearance anytime!

On another front, we've had other good news lately. First, a small follow up on poor, pathetic, pitiful Simon. He's no longer pathetic because his back foot isn't working! His limbs are all working fine and he seems to be feeling better. It's hard to tell just how much better, however, because his meds make him a bit of a space cadet! He sleeps most of the day on the sofa, which he needs to do in order to heal, and when he's fully awake he tends to sit and stare. He stares at people and off into space. You can tell he's not terribly focused. It's hard to see him so fuzzy, but we have to keep him on his meds for two whole weeks to be sure he has time to heal properly. We also have to make sure we don't let him jump which is quite difficult. He's used to being very independent and without the pain he was having at the beginning of the week he's ready to get back to his normal routine. I'm grateful for a compassionate vet, meds that heal, and a sleepy, spacey puppy snuggled up on the couch!

I'm also grateful for my mom's new principal. We found out yesterday that my mom and dad will be able to come for a couple of extra days at Thanksgiving! With my mom's new job (huge amount of gratitude for that!!), we weren't sure when they'd come meet Baby Graber for the first time. It was really hard to think about the idea of having them come Friday night and have to go home on Sunday. I just hate the idea of having to say goodbye again so quickly. We talked about it and decided it would be better to wait a little longer to come out so that they could come for longer. They're planning to fly out Thanksgiving Day and head home on Tuesday the following week. That gives us four whole days together instead of just one!! We'll probably spend most of Thanksgiving with M's family and then pick them up at the airport in the evening. I'm hoping we can have my grandma come for the holiday, too, so that she can meet Baby Graber, and my brother is looking at possible dates to come meet him as well. I'm sure I'll be exhausted having folks come and stay, but I am so looking forward to such special introductions!

This is Simon...

This is Simon. Simon could use a few happy thoughts sent his way right now.

Simon has been part of my family nearly all of his five years. He was about two months old when he came to live with me. He is a super sweet dog and would do anything to make M or me happy. He loves to play fetch. He loves to snuggle. His favorite treats are carrots, cucumbers, green beans, peas, and most veggies in general. He's a strange little dog, but he's a great buddy.

Yesterday Simon stopped playing very suddenly. He never does that! He walked home with M and clearly wasn't himself. He was panting and shaking, sure signs that a dachshund is in pain. We called the vet and immediately put him in his crate to keep him from hurting himself any more. The vet called back last night and said it sounded like a bulging disc, and he recommended we treat him with a little aspirin. We gave him a round of aspirin last night before putting him to bed.

This morning Simon was clearly still having pain. We gave him another aspirin and waited to see how he'd do. He was walking very awkwardly and looked stiff. I called the vet's office as soon as they opened this morning and we took Simon in for a 2:30 appointment this afternoon. By the time we got to the vet's office, Simon's right back leg was causing him problems. The vet found a spot about half way down Simon's back that was very sensitive, clearly the problem area. Simon got a steroid shot in the office along with a take-home pharmacy including oral steroids and muscle relaxants.

Simon's favorite person in the whole world is M. He's currently snuggled up on the sofa with M resting. The vet thinks he's got a good shot at being back to normal with two weeks of meds and a few adjustments in his normal routine. We need to keep him from jumping up and down off of furniture and carry him down the deck stairs at least until he's healed, longer if we can manage it.

If you get a chance to send a few happy thoughts Simon's way, we'd all appreciate it. It's hard to see such a happy, loving dog in so much pain, but we caught this before it turned into a ruptured disc (much worse!) so we just need to stick it out for a few days until we get his pain under control and then it'll be a challenge trying to help him rest so he heals completely. With a little over five weeks until my due date, we'd like Simon to be back to his old tricks sooner rather than later so he can help us welcome Baby Graber home. I know they're going to be best buds!

Not quite awake...

This morning I wandered out of my bedroom not quite awake. I looked across the room, without my contacts or glasses, and saw the fuzzy image of an infant car seat. Who left a baby.... The thought only managed to half form in my head before I realized that's MY baby's car seat!!

We've been collecting baby gear in the bedroom next to ours for what feels like forever. We had just started to collect a few things when we lost Faith, and our first reaction was to close the door and try to forget what was inside. Over the weeks between pregnancies, that bedroom became a catchall storage area. When spring break arrived in March, we spend some time cleaning it out, sorting all the things we'd stored, getting rid of some things, finding permanent homes for others. It has stayed more or less neat and tidy since then, but over the last couple of weeks we've begun accumulating things in there again. This time, however, it's been baby things, things that belong in a nursery.

The room is beginning to come together. We have an antique dresser that will double as our changing table. We put up the crib before M went back to school. We added the mattress a couple of weeks ago. My father-in-law recovered the seat of a beautiful wooden rocking chair and delivered it recently. He also added an additional shelf and rod to one of the room's closets so that Baby Graber will eventually be able to choose his own clothes and dress himself without M or I having to reach things for him. My mother-in-law has finished the crib quilt she started exactly one year ago and she even made a valance to match. The nursery officially has a Very Hungry Caterpillar theme (from author Eric Carle).

(C - I hope you don't mind. I needed to show this off!)

That's my mother-in-law hiding behind the quilt in her beautiful, sunny sewing room! The quilt turned out absolutely amazing and the valance to match was added to the nursery last night.

More pictures of the nursery will be coming as we continue to add to the room. It's amazing to me how much we've already amassed for this little person and how much more it feels like we need. I have a basket of clothes that are washed and ready to go. I have cloth diapers washed and ready to go even though we don't plan to use them right away. There are so many things ready and waiting.

We're down to about six weeks (or less if he's early!), and I have to admit there's this not-quite-awake feeling that creeps up on me at times. I am so ready to meet this little person, but every time I leave the house to run to the grocery store or pick up the mail, I'm reminded how much more complicated those simple activities will be in just a few weeks. I guess most new parents experience this feeling as they near the birth of their baby, a feeling of anticipation and wonder at what life will be like once the baby that has spent so many long months growing safely inside is suddenly a part of your life in a very different way.

I've spent so many of the last months pregnant that even when I dream I always dream that I'm pregnant. I'm starting to wonder if I'll stay pregnant in my dreams long after Baby Graber arrives! I'm very ready for the changes that will soon come to our lives with this new arrival, but I think that until he's here and we're living the day-to-day reality of life with Baby, I'm always going to feel a little bit of the not-quite-awake sensation I experienced this morning, a sense of wonder and anticipation along with a sense of surprise that this is my baby, my son, whose birth this house is anxiously awaiting.

The Hazards of Childbirth Class

The evaluation asked if I would recommend other new parents I know take the hospital's childbirth class, and I guess I would, but this certainly wasn't my most positive experience this pregnancy. Nearly everything we learned I could just as easily, and probably already have, gleaned from the vast array of resources on the Internet. I'm a planner. I research. I want to be sure I'm giving my son the best that I can. Therefore, I really didn't learn a tremendous amount from over eight hours of class. I'm sure the relaxation and breathing techniques will come in handy, but probably the best thing I learned is that I'm probably already about as prepared as I'm going to be.

So, you're probably wondering why, if I found parts of the class helpful, I would only grudgingly offer this class to other new parents. One, we were clearly the oldest couple in the room. At least three of the couples were unmarried and looked to be between the ages of eighteen and twenty-three (and that's being generous!). The other two couples (one of which was married last October and the other was married last December!) on closer inspection were younger than I originally thought, most likely not more than twenty-five. Now, I'm not a particularly young first time mother, but I am younger than many of my friends were with their first babies and I am younger than my mother was with me. I still felt extremely out of place among this group of new moms. Add to that the fact that M and I were the only couple to both be fully employed (two homemakers, three unemployed/marginally employed dads - video games anyone?), and we were quite out of place.

Two, according to all the statistics, approximately one in four pregnancies ends in pregnancy loss. Given the group of which we were a part last night and today, I'm fairly confident we were the only ones with any experience of pregnancy loss. Statistically unlikely, but I'm still pretty certain that it was the case. Add to our knowledge of loss the fact that we delivered our daughter in that very hospital and that the tour of the maternal/child unit included a stop in the very delivery room where that loss became so horribly real, and it all added up to a less than stellar experience of childbirth class.

I realize that we live in a small community where the number of people who have had similar experiences of loss is very small, but it certainly would have felt different sitting in class with others who might have similar questions to mine. Things like, what emotions can I expect during labor given my past experience? Or, how will my body respond differently to labor this time than it did last time? I'll start a list for my doctor, but it does feel like we could have spent our weekend in a more productive way. While our instructors gave time for questions, it felt inappropriate to subject the others to my questions and even my history of loss.

Would I recommend other new parents take their hospital's childbirth class? Yes, but if your journey to parenthood has been a little, or a lot, rocky, know that you may have awkward moments and even rather raw emotions. Be prepared to ask your doctor your burning questions because your class may not feel like the appropriate place. And, if you have the opportunity to take a different type of class, look into it. You might find an alternative option more helpful.

A few random thoughts...

M keeps telling me that I no longer "track well." It seems that my brain has been almost completely replaced with mush. I don't follow conversations as well as I normally do. I don't get jokes. I randomly state things that no one else can follow. It's a blast! Just to give you a small window into the current inner workings of my pregnant brain, here are a few random thoughts that have been floating around in my head today.

• Physical discomforts. These take a up a significant portion of my brain power. Heart burn that necessitates sleeping in a recliner, feet in my ribs, back pain, and Braxton-Hicks contractions. Yay!
• Remnants of thoughts on Christology from my class yesterday evening. I've never processed well in class, but that's even more pronounced now. All the things I wish I'd thought of in class last night are floating around in there today.
• Class last night was followed by thunderstorms. Today, I've found myself checking the weather frequently to see when we'll get more rain. For those of you not experiencing the drought in South Central Kansas, we could use a week (or several) of rain. Amazing how heat and extremely dry conditions can take it out of you!
• Hiccups. Several times a day Baby Graber has hiccups. It's quite difficult to focus on anything else when your stomach is hiccuping.
• The DMV. I was fortunate enough to have my driver's license expire on my birthday, two weeks before Baby Graber is due. There was an interesting fellow in the office this morning when I arrived waiting to find out when the suspension on his license would be lifted. I think I'd feel more sorry that he has to wait until December for the suspension to lift, but the woman at the desk told him it had been extended because he was caught driving with a suspended license. I was amazed that the only DMV employee there on a busy day was able to stay positive in spite of rude patrons and even a woman who cussed at her because she lost her spot in line when she went out to smoke. By the time it was my turn, I was sure she'd be completely without patience, but she was incredibly nice! She even let me leave my weight at my pre-pregnancy weight on my new driver's license!
• Thoughts for some folks who are experiencing major life changing health challenges. From injuries due to car accidents to cancer to loss of babies born to early, my heart hurts for these folks. Today's mildly profound thought is about brokenness. It is in our most broken moments that God's glory, grace, healing, love, and power can be revealed. In the moments when we encounter our own brokenness, the greatest gift we can offer to one another is prayer. I am continually amazed by how my own life has been profoundly affected by the prayers of others on my behalf. When my heart aches for others and I long to know what to offer, prayer seems like such a simple thing, but it's impact can be incredible. When I don't know how to pray, the Spirit hears the longings of my heart that are too deep for words as the prayers they are meant to be. Amazing!
• My own blessings. It's hard not to think of the blessings in my own life when I think about the obstacles in the lives of others. I'm reminded again to live in gratitude. Life can change in an instant and we can find ourselves faced with immense challenges. When challenges arise, it can feel like all we can do is call out to God. But, it's when things are going well, when we are living "no matter what goes right" lives, that it's difficult to remember to call out to God in gratitude. We looked at Psalm 96 last Sunday in Sunday School.

"O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations, his marvellous works among all the peoples.
For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be revered above all     gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are idols, but the Lord made the heavens.
Honour and majesty are before him; strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering, and come into his courts.
Worship the Lord in holy splendour; tremble before him, all the earth.

Say among the nations, ‘The Lord is king!
The world is firmly established; it shall never be moved.
He will judge the peoples with equity.’
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it.
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord; for he is coming, for he is coming to judge the earth.
He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with his truth."

This Psalm is still ringing in my heart. May it ring in yours as well. If all your heart can do today is wordlessly call out to God, know that God hears you, know that God is with you, know that you are being lifted up by the prayers of many, and know that even when you cannot offer praise of your own, the very earth around you will praise the Lord until you are able to praise again.

Some days I just want to whine...

Bear in mind that I'm writing this post after a night of much interrupted sleep. Baby Graber was quite active all during the day yesterday, and I went to bed knowing that there was a good chance he'd be just as busy overnight. I was right. At right around four pounds, he's strong enough to wake me even from the deepest sleep with a few well placed punches and kicks. I've been feeling rather crowded on the right side for a few weeks now and the doctor said on Wednesday the likely cause is the baby pushing my liver into my ribs. I'm pretty sure he likes to park one of his little feet right there and stretch that leg at the most inconvenient times! So there you have whine number one. I'm tired. I'm so tired of tired.

Whine number two: I'm tired of wearing the same clothes day after day. My wardrobe included non-maternity items that were fuller through the middle up until this week. That gave me a broader choice of clothing items. If I want to be able to wear any of these items ever again (without wearing them stretched completely out of shape), it's time to take them out of my rotation. This leaves me with (at best) one top per day of the week for the remainder of the pregnancy. Once Baby Graber arrives, I will gladly box up these items immediately after returning home. There are only so many times I can wear the same shirt before it relegates itself to the "dislike" side of the closet. Given that I have a limited number of weeks left in the pregnancy, however, I cannot justify adding any new items to my wardrobe so same old shirt day after day it is. (I've also discovered that some shirts do not make it through an entire day any more. Yesterday's shirt was apparently worn for many hours without me realizing that lunch had splattered on the lower portion of my belly. I couldn't see it. If you see me wearing a soiled shirt in the next few weeks and it looks like the location of the stain might be where I can't see it, feel free to let me know. I would prefer the momentary embarrassment of being told my clothes are dirty to the realization at bedtime that I've been out and about in dirty clothes for hours!)

Whine number three: My fingers have started to swell a little. When my body temperature is up (summer time, while exercising, etc.), my fingers tend to look (and feel) like sausages even when I'm not pregnant. Pregnancy means growing your own little internal furnace. Your body temperature is always up. While it's not a new feeling to have swollen fingers, it is the first time I've been afraid that at some point I may not be able to remove my wedding and engagement rings. Wednesday night I took them off for bed hoping that by morning I would be able to wear them comfortably again, but that was not the case. I think they are off for the foreseeable future. It seems wise to make the decision while I still can rather than face the daunting and possibly painful task of removing them later. As a long time ring lover, I have quite a stash of rings that do fit and I was able to find a plain silver band to wear so that my left ring finger doesn't feel quite so naked, but I am rather attached to those rings and this decision felt like a particularly sad one. I realize they are only a symbol, but my engagement ring has rarely come off in the three and a half years I've had it and my wedding band has come off even less frequently in the three years since our wedding.

As the count of weeks pregnant is now officially at 52 (21 weeks pregnant, almost 13 not pregnant, and 31 weeks pregnant), there are many other things I could whine about, but for today, these three are the big ones. I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm becoming increasingly impatient to officially meet this little boy I've been sharing my body with for the past seven (nearly eight) months. If we make it to my due date, I will probably sit in the exam room at the doctor's office crying until they agree to induce. October 25 is a long way away. Thirty-seven weeks (full term) is October 4. I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to get the show on the road anytime starting October 4. I may even be looking for tips on starting labor, so if you've got any stashed away, hang on to them for a few weeks. I may be asking for them!

Chubby Cheeks and Growing Strong

Just wanted to add a quick update. We've had our more detailed ultrasound this afternoon and everything looks good. Baby Graber weighs about 3 pounds 15 ounces and is in the 63rd percentile. He won't be a small baby, but probably not overwhelmingly huge either. His measurements are all still looking good and there don't seem to be any signs that we should be concerned. For your viewing pleasure, here's a quick look at his face. Notice the chubby cheeks?

Thirty weeks...the countdown begins

If Baby Graber arrives exactly on his due date, today marks the beginning of the fourth quarter of this pregnancy. I'm sure there are a plethora of fun sports analogies I could draw from for these last weeks, but my pregnancy addled brain just can't seem to get there. If you have any brilliant suggestions, I'm always open to hearing them! In the meantime, here are a few thoughts as we truly enter the homestretch.

Between my pregnancy with Faith and this pregnancy, I have now officially been pregnant for fifty-one weeks. I realize that the early weeks which get counted as part of pregnancy are not technically weeks that one is pregnant, but if one is trying to become pregnant, food, behavior, medication, and other pregnancy related restrictions start well before one is able to find out that one is pregnant. That has been the case for me. This journey is feeling exceptionally long right now, and as I creep closer each day to having spent one full year 'pregnant,' I find myself very ready to transition into the next phase of active parenthood. I have been sharing my body with another human being, and now I am ready to have it back. I have officially started to countdown in single digits the number of weeks I have left (today's count 9 weeks and six days - maybe a day or two less if I'm lucky).

A week or so ago, I began realizing how much we need to accomplish yet before Baby Graber arrives. We have no car seat. We have no mattress for the crib and no bassinet. We have some clothes, but I certainly feel like we need a few more to comfortably survive the first weeks and months. I started to feel overwhelmed by all of the details that we need to face in the next few weeks. Registering for childbirth classes helped some (we'll be spending a Friday evening and all day Saturday in September learning about the birthing process and caring for our new son). I think, however, in the last few days I have come to the conclusion that if the only item we manage to check off the list of tasks yet to be completed before Baby Graber arrives is purchasing a car seat so we can take him home from the hospital, it will be fine. I have somewhat let go of my need to have everything perfectly in order, and I have realized that this baby will be welcomed into the world by a loving family. That is so much more than many babies, and it's all he will need. The rest will take care of itself.

Whether or not our house is completely ready for baby, I feel like each day that goes by I feel more and more ready for his arrival. I have spent much of the last thirty weeks struggling mentally to trust my body to care for my son. I know for many women it's scary to think of caring for a baby outside one's body. It can feel safer for baby to just stay where he or she is, but for me, my body hasn't felt like a safe place for Baby Graber given my history. While I realize on a rational level that losing Faith was not my fault, it still feels to a certain extent like my body let us down. I don't want to carry that weight again. I am ready to share the responsibility for Baby Graber's care with M and our extended families. I would prefer that Baby Graber wait at least until he's full term to arrive, but I am very much ready for 'full term' to get here quickly.

At the same time, I've got plenty to keep me busy just preparing to take time off to give birth! I could use prayers for focus as I try to cover all my bases so that my work can continue on without me. It's difficult to plan to be gone when Baby Graber's arrival will be dictated by him alone. I like to have a plan. I like to know the schedule. I have to let go of that and plan as though I may or may not be present for each Sunday and each Wednesday night at church. Somehow it's harder to let go of knowing when Baby Graber will arrive than it is to let go of having everything perfect for his arrival. So, I guess it's not just prayers for focus that I need, but also prayers for the ability to let go. May these next weeks be focused. May I accomplish all that absolutely must be accomplished, let go of all that is unnecessary, and may I have clarity to know the difference. And, may Baby Graber continue to grow and kick and enter this world as a healthy, happy, loved new little life.

Relearning Gratitude

Over the last few weeks, I think I've been relearning gratitude. It's been nine months, nearly ten, since we lost Faith and over those months I've continued to be grateful for both small things and large things. I've never lost my ability to be grateful, but I think I've lost my ability to trust in the things for which I'm grateful. This probably sounds a little confusing, so let me explain.

This story needs to start back a couple of years, so if you know me and my family well, please bear with me while I rehash some history. Two and a half years ago, my parents moved from Kansas, where they had lived for three and a half years, to Baltimore, Maryland. My father had accepted a pastorate in Baltimore, so they relocated. My mother has been an elementary school teacher for most of my life, and when she left Kansas we had no idea that it would be such a struggle for her to find a teaching job in Maryland. She has been without work for the entire time they've been in Maryland, and it has been a difficult journey for our whole family of watching her fill out application after application and attend interview after interview only to find out that every school and every district has decided to hire someone else.

The week of our wedding anniversary (and since we got married on my mom's birthday, the week of her birthday as well!) my mom was in conversations with two schools. Over the course of the week, she had three interviews and one teaching demonstration with second graders. It was a full week, and after the past two years, we were all hoping very cautiously that she might finally get a job. Not only did she get a job, but both schools ended up offering her positions and she was able to choose the one she wanted!! It was one of those moments where you can clearly see God's sense of humor at work. I have to give a lot of credit to my father and my brother for helping her through this process, but especially to my brother who quizzed her on interview questions and spent much of his free time driving her to interviews over the last few months to keep her calm going into each interview! I also have to offer a huge "Thank you!!" to all of the folks who have been praying so hard for this to finally happen. It's amazing to me that prayers were coming from all over the country, and it truly made a difference!

A huge weight was lifted for all of us, but I think for me there was also a huge realization that I have become unable to simply accept the blessings that come without waiting for something bad to happen. I couldn't fully experience gratitude because I was waiting for some unknown (but much to be feared) event to pull me back to a negative place. For my gratitude to be genuine, I needed to be able to let go of my fears and simply appreciate the blessing in front of me. I discovered that it's possible to be grateful without experiencing gratitude. It's a question of degrees. I don't want to just be grateful for my life. I want to live a life of gratitude, of gratefulness in all things and all circumstances, of trust that my life will be blessed and that God wants the best for me.

So here are a few of the things for which I am grateful that are helping me relearn gratitude and trust in my blessings:

• Air conditioning! It's summer in Kansas, and I'm carrying a personal heater in my belly. We've been fortunate enough to have a couple cooler evenings recently, but I'm still hot. If you really want to help me relearn my gratitude even faster, feel free to pray for rain and an early fall. As long as winter waits to get here until after we need to make a run to the hospital for labor and delivery, I'd even be grateful for a very snowy, cold winter!
• The snowball effect. My mom's new job hasn't officially started yet (she has her first day of new teacher type stuff tomorrow!), but I can already see the abundance of blessings that are coming her way because she has a job. I am grateful for better health insurance and the added security that my mom's income brings to my parents. I am grateful for a meaningful way for my mom to spend her days. She's always been a better mom because she has worked and because she enjoys her work. I'm sure she'll be a better grandmother because she's fulfilled in this area of her life.
• I know this may sound really silly, but I'm grateful for ice! My father-in-law and M hooked up the ice maker that came with our refrigerator when we purchased it. I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to fill my cup with icy water on hot days! But, I guess what I'm most grateful for (and of which the ice maker is an example) is having such a great support system that are willing to help us get prepared for our son. Friends and family that are supplying all sorts of great baby items and help us get our house ready for baby, it really does take a village even before the baby gets here!
• Of course I can't forget the BIG one! I am grateful every day for a healthy baby. We've made it to the third trimester (29 weeks, tomorrow!) and so far so good. M started his new job on Monday, so he couldn't come to my appointment this morning. My mother-in-law came along and in honor of her visit, my doctor offered to do an in-office ultrasound. This was my first ultrasound since week 18, and it was amazing to see our son again after so many weeks! He's definitely growing, wiggling like crazy and as of right now in the correct position (head down). I have to admit it was a bit scary and shocking to see how large his head already looks! Best guess by my doctor is he's between 2.5 and 3 pounds, and he looks to be right on track. After looking today, she decided that it's time to get another round of measurements just to be absolutely certain his growth is on track, but everything looks good to her. M and I will have another sonogram on the big machine in two weeks to take some more accurate measurements, but that's just a precaution after last time. It seems like this pregnancy is completely normal. I've never been so grateful for being ordinary in my life! There are some times when being unique is not just overrated, it's a really big pain! Oh, and we're definitely having a boy! Not that there was any doubt after the last sono, but Baby Graber confirmed it again today.

All things considered, I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for right now, but I do need to relearn how to live in gratitude for those things again rather than wait for the other shoe to drop. I think I'm finally on the right track, but it's taking some time. Your continued thoughts and prayers are always appreciated and give me hope that I will continue relearning gratitude.

A day of threes...

Today, July 25th, marks three months until Baby Graber is due to arrive. Today also happens to be our third wedding anniversary.

I hope you'll all forgive me (especially M!), but I'm going to try to be reflective on what the last three years has brought without being overly mushy. My uncle told me before our wedding that the top three stressful events in marriages are buying/selling real estate, changing jobs, and having children. So here are a few thoughts on those stressful and not so stressful times from the last three years.

• Within three months of our wedding, M and I had sold my house, moved into his grandmother's house (our current house) and began renting from her until we could buy her house (we purchased the house within six months of our wedding). I am so grateful for the extra space we have here for entertaining and to grow into our house. This was definitely a stressful process, but we were just starting out and I think we handled this potentially stressful situation quite well!
• In the last three years, I have changed jobs three times and held four different positions. For 10 months, I worked part time at two different jobs. M has changed jobs only once, but that one change has felt pretty major for both of us this summer. Job changes are never easy, but we've managed this one quite well, too.
• Of the last three years, I have spent nearly one full year pregnant. Officially the count is up to forty-eight weeks. With that in mind, I'm certain the next thirteen weeks until my due date will disappear quite quickly. Our journey to becoming parents has been by far the most stressful experience we've had to work through in the three years we've been married.

So, what have I learned about marriage, or at least my marriage, in the last three years?

• Patience is absolutely essential for the success of our marriage! It has especially been important during the many weeks I've spent pregnant. M has been infinitely patient with me through all the ups and downs of morning sickness, heartburn, mood swings, and just general discomfort. I, however, have lost most of my ability to be patient when M decides it's time to tease me or give me a hard time. I very much hope that comes back once this baby arrives because it will make our marriage a happier place for us both.
• Absolutely nothing is worth risking the health of my marriage. I am a happier, better, much more confident and settled person as a married person than I was as a single person. This likely isn't the case for everyone, but it's true for me. Becoming a family with M has made me a better version of me and I wouldn't trade that for anything!
• My marriage is about love, but it's also about so much more. There is nothing else like the support, friendship, laughter, and even shared tears, and I can't imagine my life without M. If I was going to experience the loss of a child no matter who I married, I'm so grateful I married M. While I would easily give up the experience of shared grief, there's no one else with whom I can ever imaging traveling the journey.

M asked me last night if I was still glad I married him, and my answer is, of course! No matter how bad the day, coming home to M makes it all better even if it doesn't fix everything. Spending an evening on the couch together watching Netflix is one of my favorite ways to end a day, and while it might not seem particularly romantic, simply spending time together makes it feel that way! So, while you may want to know how we spent our third wedding anniversary, I'd probably tell you, it doesn't matter! We spent the day together. No matter what we did, it was romantic and perfect, and ten years from now I probably won't remember what we did, but I will remember being extremely happy and enjoying the day immensely!

As for Baby Graber, he's doing quite well. He wakes me up in the middle of the night making his presence known. He doesn't have a name yet (and even if he did, I don't think we'd share it! Some things should be a surprise when he gets here.), and the process of choosing a name for him has been stressful all by itself! He does have quite the wardrobe already, and his crib has been ordered. We are making progress on getting ready for his arrival, and we are counting on our fourth year of marriage to bring great things including a beautiful son in October!

Saying Goodbye...

My grandpa was a wonderful man. From the time I was small, he found ways to bridge the gap between my city upbringing and his farm upbringing. From summer rides on the lawn mower to trips to the sale barn, I'm sure he never quite knew what to do with me especially when I cried because they "beat" the pigs at the sale barn. As I got older, we found we had many more things in common. His pastor's heart loved to discuss what I was learning in my college Bible classes, what books I was reading, recommending books he was reading. It was never an easy thing for him to say he was proud of anyone, he was far too humble, but when I received the phone call that I was the candidate of choice to be the youth pastor at our current church two years ago while we were all on vacation together as a family, he very quietly told me when no one was around that he was proud of me. He was a traditional man who could very easily have chosen not to accept or acknowledge my calling because I am a woman, but I always felt his love, support and complete acceptance.

This past week has been full of mixed emotions. M and I spent the week at camp largely out of range for cell phone service. I was very fortunate to be able to send and receive text messages from one spot in our room at camp and be able to make a couple calls. I spent my week providing input sessions and campfire times for seventy nine and ten year old campers. In between my sessions, I spent time texting or trying to call my mom for reports on Grandpa's condition. It was a strange way to say goodbye and begin letting go, but I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I was able to be part of the journey to the end of his life, part of the process of letting him go even though I was so far away. My mom and her siblings were all able to walk part of the journey with him from his side in the hospital, but only one of his grandchildren was able to be there to say goodbye in person.

Yesterday, M and I sent campers home between nine and ten in the morning. We had lunch with the camp staff and counselors and then headed home. My mom and I were on the phone catching up after a week of garbled conversations due to my week cell phone signal when she received the call from the hospital that Grandpa was gone. A few minutes after we walked in the door, she sent me a text message letting me know. She and her sister had been home less than 24 hours. Yesterday, June 21, was my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I think he waited to achieve that milestone before allowing himself to leave this world for his permanent home.

Since we were all planning to be together starting on June 30 to celebrate their anniversary, my grandma, mom, and her siblings have opted to wait to have his service until we would all have been there anyway. Sometime toward the end of this next week, M and I will be driving to Ohio to join family in saying our final goodbye. After leaving our animals at home alone for the time we were at camp, we've got a wonderful house sitter to keep them company while we're gone this time. They were so happy to see us yesterday, I just don't want to leave them completely alone for that long again!

After almost six years of living so far away from all of my grandparents, I've learned to take full advantage of phone calls and times spent together. It's been nearly two years since I saw my grandpa face to face, but I remember our last hug like it was yesterday. I always make a special note of what those goodbye hugs feel like because I know it could be the last one. I never end a phone conversation unless we've said I love you in case it's the last time I get to say it. This spring, when I called to tell my grandparents we were expecting again, my grandpa was the only one home. We talked for quite a while about all sorts of things, and now I am so grateful for that conversation. Most of our conversations were with both grandparents on at the same time. What a privilege to have had that time alone with him! When I called several weeks ago after a rash of tornadoes in our area, he stayed on just a bit longer than my grandma to say I love you. Moments I'll never forget.

Grandpa, I know you are sitting at the feet of our Savior right now with my baby girl, and I have faith that when my time comes, I will join you there as well. I love you always!

A week of ups and downs and in betweens

What a week!

My week started out with a bang on Monday when I received the news that my grandpa had had a heart attack and was in the hospital. M was on his way to a job interview while I talked to my mom on the phone and tried to get a little more information about my grandpa's condition. M's interview went well, but my grandpa's condition has been quite a concern for us this week. His doctor recommended bypass surgery and a valve replacement/repair, but Grandpa has decided open heart surgery is not for him, so we have begun the waiting game of saying goodbye. His choice not to have the surgery is unconventional and his doctors really have no idea how much time we have with him. We have been planning a family reunion and 60th wedding anniversary celebration with my grandparents for the week of July 4th for the last two years. We're hoping he makes it that long. His health is fragile, but he seems to be holding his own day by day.

M's interview went so well he was offered and has accepted a job teaching high school American history next year. The decision to take this job was not an easy one because it felt like there was no right or wrong decision. M has been part of a fantastic group of teachers and despite the fact that this past year was not an easy one he will very much miss teaching with this group. He will be returning to teach at his own alma mater which is exciting and we're hoping he finds as much satisfaction in his work there as I have in my church work. I'm sure there will be much anxiety for both of us as he prepares to make this change, but it feels like the right time for this move.

From trying to find ways to celebrate this new opportunity for M to emotional, teary phone calls with my family, this has indeed been a roller coaster of a week! We have also reached the exact point in this pregnancy where we lost Faith in the first pregnancy. Today is twenty-one weeks and two days. Twenty-one weeks and two days into my first pregnancy I was in the hospital for the induction, waiting to deliver our baby girl. Twenty-one weeks and two days into this pregnancy I was awakened by kicks and punches. No matter how I shifted around, he just wouldn't settle back down. I was not going to be able to go back to sleep.

I've been realizing this week that there is something strange and sacred about experiencing the emotions of saying goodbye to a family member while carrying and preparing to bring the next generation into that same family. Because of my late loss in our first pregnancy, this pregnancy is high risk. After our planned trip the first week of July, my doctor has asked me not to travel again for the remainder of the pregnancy. I very much hope that my grandpa is still around for the week of our planned reunion, but I know that seeing him one last time means I most likely will not be able to be at his funeral. I would much rather have a chance to say goodbye face to face, but my heart still hurts knowing that I will be saying my final goodbye from miles away and without my family.

We're still several weeks away from being able to feel the baby move on the outside of my body according to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. Knowing that my grandpa most likely will never meet this little guy, we purchased a fetal doppler for listening to his heartbeat this afternoon. I really want to be able to have my grandpa listen to his heartbeat and movements. I want my grandpa to be able to experience his great-grandson the best that he can before he joins his great-granddaughter in heaven. Prayers would be appreciated that we would be able to share this very special experience before we say goodbye!

Rising Anxiety and Ultrasound

There are several posts in my drafts folder right now that I've started but been unable to finish over the last month since my last post. My anxiety level has steadily risen and I haven't been able to find the words to properly express why or how it feels or anything that felt remotely genuine and honest. I don't usually find myself at a loss for words, but I haven't been able to fully formulate my thoughts leading up to today.

Two weeks ago we set the date for our 18-20 week scan. The nurse practitioner at my doctor's office recommended that we aim for an early ultrasound in hopes that a normal scan would set everyone's mind at ease. Over the last two weeks, I've found myself mentally preparing to go to this appointment and hear that again there was no heartbeat. There's no way to fully prepare oneself for that kind of news, but after last time, I didn't want to be shocked if anything abnormal turned up today. It did not. We are expecting a normal, healthy baby boy.

I realized in the shower this morning that the last time I was so nervous about anything was nearly seven years ago when I went skydiving with my father and brother. After finding out at our 18-20 week ultrasound with Faith that we had lost her, walking into the waiting room, sitting on the table preparing for the ultrasound, all of it felt like the anticipation of stepping out into the unknown and trying to prepare for a free fall. I have to admit I was grateful for my very full bladder. I'm sure that my anxiety would have been much higher sitting in the waiting room this morning if I hadn't needed to have a very full bladder!

Just to put my mind a little more at ease (and maybe yours as well), the images we saw this morning helped to eliminate a vast number of potential birth defects and conditions that I could have been and likely have been worried about for the last number of weeks. Baby Graber currently weighs around 9 ounces and is growing exactly as he should be. His vital organs are developing well and his heart rate is right on track. He stayed still long enough for us to get the images we needed and then started wiggling like crazy again. What an amazing blessing! Although today feels like a huge milestone, I still have some nagging anxieties in the back of my mind, and prayers for continued positive reports on Baby Graber's growth and development as well as peace for Mommy and Daddy would be very much appreciated.

For your viewing pleasure, a slightly off-center look at Baby Graber's profile.

Not sure there are words, but hopefully, we can all find a chuckle!

I just visited Yahoo! after finishing my preparations to teach catechism this evening, and I found this article:

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/karla-vanessa-perez-pregnant-nine-babies-unreal-195800350.html

Hopefully, you can take a look at the article, but the long and the short of it is that there's a woman in Mexico who is pregnant with nine babies. Nine babies! Uncool on so many levels! In the article, she asks for financial support. Her husband is a tire fitter and doesn't make much money, but somehow they thought it would be wise to have nine babies in addition to having one singleton and a set of triplets. And...they live with his parents!

I was so flabbergasted reading this article that I decided to scroll down to the comments. Most of the comments were about her plea for financial help. One comment really tickled my funny bone. I hope it does yours as well. Commenter Joe says, "A uterus should not be used as a clown car."

I so needed this reminder after reading the article. It diffused my anger and reminded me that I can only control my own reproductive choices. I still pray I never encounter any of these parents of "mega-multiples." I'm pretty sure "Love your neighbor" would be sorely tested!

Surprises and Panic

M says our doctors appointment today took two years off of his life, so let me start this post by saying that Baby Graber is fine! Keep that in mind as you read...

This morning as I was eating breakfast I felt what I'm 95% certain was a good, solid kick. Boy, was I surprised! I realize that I am only thirteen weeks pregnant, but according to all the baby sites, it's entirely possible to feel one's baby move this early especially if it's not your first pregnancy. At my appointment this afternoon, the nurse practitioner confirmed that there's a good chance what I felt was definitely Baby Graber making his/her presence known. I was feeling pretty good going into today's heartbeat check at the doctor's office. This was supposed to be our first visit checking the heartbeat with only the heart rate monitor, and I was sure all would go as planned.

I had a couple errands to run before going to my appointment this afternoon, and I arrived at the office to meet M with what felt like the lowest anxiety level I've had at an appointment so far. The appointment started off great all through the usual OB appointment stuff...until we got to the point of listening to the heartbeat. There were a couple thumps that sounded like they might have been movement, but no heartbeat! The nurse practitioner didn't waste much time and went almost immediately to check to see if the sonogram room was available. It was not. She said as much as she'd like to be rude and kick whoever was in the room out, she wasn't going to do that and we should try to sit tight. After you have a late pregnancy loss, you automatically get special treatment at the OB's office like worried doctors and nurses wanting to hurry routine appointments up so you don't have time to panic.

We waited for a few minutes trying to keep our anxiety at a reasonable level, and soon the room was ready. I got settled on the table, and it quickly became clear in a flurry of busy little arms and legs why we were having trouble getting a heartbeat, lots of swimming and wiggling. We even got a little wave! Such cute, tiny fingers! As best we can tell given that Baby Graber would not settle down enough to get a clear picture, he/she is measuring exactly on track! Wiggly baby pictures are all we get right now, and it's hard to see much on them besides blurry fuzz. This is one from last week since none of the ones we got this week look much like a person!

I'm pretty sure we can't handle too many more visits like today's, but the nurse practitioner reminded me that having a baby this active is a good sign. Mostly, I've been reminded not to take anything for granted, that I am justified in having high anxiety with this pregnancy, that I am so grateful that there are so many folks at our doctor's office who are incredibly sensitive to all the intense emotions we are feeling with this second pregnancy. As always prayers are appreciated, and we certainly hope that Baby Graber's tendencies to want to give Mommy and Daddy a heart attack are not an indicator that we need to be prepared for anxiety ridden teenage years!!

Feeling Fortunate

Not only is my house standing without any damage, my flowers in the backyard show absolutely no signs of the destruction that so many families in our region are facing today. We are fortunate enough to be in a pocket that sustained absolutely no damage from the storms, wind, and tornadoes that furiously made their way through Oklahoma and Kansas yesterday. Not everyone was so lucky. Oklahoma was hit worse than Kansas, but parts of Kansas were hit quite hard as well, including parts of Wichita, thirty-five minutes south of us. A couple families from our church also had close calls and damage to their houses as well a plenty of branches and debris outside.

It was a bit strange to watch the storm coverage last night, see storms with scary rotation on the radar, hear them mentioning local towns and encouraging residents to take cover, and worry for all the folks I care about who were right in the path of tornadoes. I have long thought that living in an area where tornadoes are a real threat feels more sensible than living in an area that suffers from earthquakes or other types of natural disasters. Generally, there's a warning of a tornado's arrival and time to get to safety, time to prepare. I still feel that way. Natural disasters happen and are unavoidable, like many things that cause loss in life, and with tornadoes often the loss of life can be minimized. But, I have also realized that I don't dread the loss of my life the way I did before losing my daughter.

There is someone waiting for me on the other side, someone I can't wait to meet. I have always looked forward to meeting my Savior, but there's something even more personal and joyful for me about wanting to meet my daughter. In a sense, I have a longing for heaven that I didn't have before. It's a reminder of the hope I have in Jesus and the resurrection, that without Jesus, I wouldn't be able to look forward to death with hope. Don't get me wrong! I have no desire to hasten my own arrival in heaven. I just don't look at my life, at all that I might leave behind, and think that the things I would leave behind far outweigh the benefits of heaven. Somehow knowing that Faith is waiting for me evens it all out.

Yesterday as I was listening to storm predictions, I wasn't afraid of losing my life, but I was still a bit terrified. What if I was injured by a tornado and my injuries caused me to miscarry? There are no guarantees with pregnancy. I have learned that lesson. I worry every day about losing this baby. I worry that I'm not bonding with this baby the way I should because I want to protect myself from the pain of another loss. I worry that I'm already so bonded with this baby that losing him or her would be extremely devastating. Thursday of last week marked the beginning of the second trimester. We have a long way to go, but we have reached an important milestone. The worry doesn't go away, but continuing my weekly appointment seems to be helping. We are so fortunate to have a doctor, a team of doctors, who understand our anxiety and are more than willing to do everything they can to lessen our worry.

So, today I am feeling grateful and fortunate. I have faced loss and I recognize that this time I have been spared. My bubble of protection is very transparent, and I can clearly see just how blessed I am. I will not take that protection for granted. I will do everything in my power to appreciate and enjoy my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, my home, even the flowers in my yard.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord, and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good; happy are those who take refuge in him."

Psalm 34:1-8

Still having to explain...

I had a dentist appointment today. I've been pondering this appointment for a week or so. The last time I was at the dentist was the beginning of October, and I joyfully explained that I would prefer not to have my teeth x-rayed because I was four months pregnant. The entire time I was there the hygienist wanted to talk to me about how excited I was and tell me all about her grandkids.

Since I generally have pretty good teeth (or beautiful, clean teeth as they tell me at the dentist. Do they say that to everyone?), I haven't been back to the dentist. I have been preparing myself to once again, five months after losing my daughter, explain that my baby didn't arrive as expected in February. Not only did we lose our baby, but I still can't have x-rays because I'm pregnant again. I realize that this is a good thing, but it ended up leading to a rather unusual appointment.

My regular hygienist was out today. She cut her thumb and was having it treated for a bad infection. The hygienist I saw today I've never seen before. She was in her late forties and very nice. When I explained about our loss, she ended up telling me her stories of baby loss. She and her husband have one daughter, an eight year old, and have had several miscarriages because she was forty when they started trying. After her daughter was born, she lost four more babies, fraternal twins and then conjoined twins, all in the first trimester. It's amazing how free people feel to share when they know you'll understand their loss. She hardly had any work to do on my teeth, but I was still there for quite a while.

Some days I can share my story and talk about Faith without crying, but the new pregnancy hormones have definitely added to my need to cry. I am happy to say that I not only made it through my appointment without crying, I also managed to keep my gag reflex in check despite feeling quite nauseous the whole time! I haven't, however, figured out how to control my mood very well. Mood swings were not a huge part of my first pregnancy, but apparently they're part of this one. I'm sure it has a lot to do with emotions that were already closer to the surface before I got pregnant, trying to manage my anxiety, and, of course, crazy hormones! I am so grateful for this baby and this pregnancy, but I do understand why doctors say that couples may not be emotionally ready to deal with a second pregnancy this close to a late pregnancy loss. Morning sickness, anxiety, hormones, oh my!

Joy and Trepidation and a Plea for Prayers

I've been weighing how to formulate this post for the last few days. At first I thought I'd write something cutsie, but to be honest that feels a bit forced and disingenuous. There are simply too many emotions involved in this particular post.

We are expecting again. We found out on Valentine's Day. A significant part of the lack of posts over the last month is directly related to exhaustion and morning (or all day in my case) sickness. Today I am ten weeks and four days pregnant, and we are due sometime around October 24. October 24 is three days after Faith's birthday. I'm struggling a bit with how to feel about that.

I was expecting a lot of anxiety would plague me throughout my second pregnancy and that's certainly been the case. I've had four ultrasounds already, one each week since seven weeks, and each one has gone extremely well. Last Wednesday's ultrasound showed a very wiggly little baby. I am grateful for the extra ultrasounds because after I have one my anxiety is drastically decreased. At the same time, the two days leading up to each ultrasound are extremely nerve wracking. I keep expecting to hear that there's no heartbeat. And that could still happen! But, I'm doing my best to think positive thoughts and begin planning for the arrival of this baby.

Being able to share this news with you is both liberating and a bit bittersweet. I have felt supported by and welcomed into a community of other mothers who have experienced similar losses to ours, and I hurt knowing that for many of them their journey toward parenthood continues to be filled with loss. I see Facebook posts and blog updates from other mothers (and some fathers) who have never experienced the loss of a child, and I find their ability to plan without anxiety or fear of loss makes me angry and seems naive and a little insensitive to the multitude of women with empty arms. I long to find sensitive and genuine ways to hold in tension my sadness and loss and my joy and excitement for this new baby. I'm not there yet, and I hope you'll bear with me as I try over the next weeks to figure out how to balance these elements on my blog.

I also hope that you'll not only stick with me as this blog transforms, but that you'll be in prayer for us as M and I continue to wade our way through an abundance of worry. Pray that this baby will continue developing normally, continue to be a wiggler (to be honest, no matter how much sleep this might cause me to lose, the wiggling will, I'm sure, be reassuring!), stay healthy, and arrive full term! Pray that M and I will have moments of peace and calm and not just anxiety, that we'll be able to embrace the joy of this new life well before he or she actually arrives, and that the next six months will be as drama free as we need to be able to relax at some point in this pregnancy. And thanks, in advance, for your prayers. I'm quite sure we wouldn't be even this far into pregnancy number two without the support and prayers of so many, many people!

For your viewing pleasure, one of the many pictures we've brought home from ultrasound appointments. Introducing Baby Graber, with prayers that he or she arrives healthy in October 2012!

Still Here...

It wouldn't surprise me if you thought I'd fallen off the face of the planet, but I promise, I'm still here! The last month has been busy, mostly in good ways. I've spent some fun hours working on youth events both for the youth in my church and in our wider conference. It was inspiring to see what God can do in the lives of young people.

I was also invited to speak at another local congregation. It just so happened that the suggested topic for the Lenten message that week was on healing. I shared my story of loss and tried to offer a few thoughts for others on the topic of healing. I'm always amazed that my words, when I preach, suddenly are no longer my own. The Spirit takes over and amazing things happen. M and I had the opportunity to visit with a man after the service who lost his teenage daughter to suicide three years ago. It had been over a year and a half since he had been in a church. I think he left church that day feeling bit lighter, and I could tell the Spirit was moving in him!

I was originally planning to post my complete manuscript with this post, but I've found a better option. The church I preached at posts their sermons on their website! Here it is.

I'm pretty sure I never envisioned this blog including video of one of my sermons, but this is definitely a better alternative to posting the entire manuscript!

Due Date

Tomorrow would have been my due date with Faith. In case you're wondering if I've fallen off the face of the planet, I have not. I have, however, been a bit unsure of what to share about these days. There have been many times over the last few days and I'm sure there will be many more over the next week or so when I've thought to myself, "I shouldn't be doing this right now. I should be in labor." It's a strange thought.

My life right now is nothing like I expected it to be a little over four months ago, but in some ways I can't imagine it any other way. My loss has become a part of me. I am not the same person I was this time last year, nor am I the same person I was five or six months ago, but in some ways, I feel like I've made peace with the person I have become. I have discovered a new strength  through this experience, and I am counting on that strength to carry me through tomorrow and all that it represents for us. I wish I didn't know just how strong I can be.

Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated tomorrow and over the next few days!

Time heals...

I think I'm not convinced that time heals all wounds to the point that they are no longer visible, but it does heal. It allows the wound to scab over and eventually scar. For the first few weeks after we lost Faith, I felt like a gaping wound, raw, painful, ugly and visible to everyone around me. Slowly, I began to feel like a wound that had scabbed over. I could face each day without feeling exposed and open, but it really didn't take much to open that wound again, for the raw emotion to surface.

I realized in the days approaching Valentine's Day, a holiday that I generally consider to be a bit ridiculous but somehow still occasionally painful, that my wound has now reached the early stages of scarring, that tender pink skin that is still quite sensitive but which doesn't open at the slightest brush. I still hurt. I still see that pink scar and am reminded of all I've lost. I can face holidays without dread and without expecting to simply survive.

I didn't just survive Valentine's Day. I enjoyed the day! I think I would have enjoyed the day no matter what happened yesterday. It was a beautiful day. I visited with a number of people throughout the day. I ran some errands. I made a fantastic supper (Do you ever surprise yourself by how well something you made turned out? I did that yesterday!). I enjoyed an evening with my husband followed by reminiscing about our childhoods while watching The Goonies. I couldn't have asked for a better day. For the first time in a long time, everything went exactly as I planned. It was just what I needed and a perfect way to experience my first holiday as a newly scarring, wounded person. I suspect that by the time Easter arrives my scar will be slightly thicker, that time will change my scar, and one day all that will be visible will be a thin, white mark, always a part of me, but not the overwhelming, gaping wound that is still so fresh in my mind.