My grandpa was a wonderful man. From the time I was small, he found ways to bridge the gap between my city upbringing and his farm upbringing. From summer rides on the lawn mower to trips to the sale barn, I'm sure he never quite knew what to do with me especially when I cried because they "beat" the pigs at the sale barn. As I got older, we found we had many more things in common. His pastor's heart loved to discuss what I was learning in my college Bible classes, what books I was reading, recommending books he was reading. It was never an easy thing for him to say he was proud of anyone, he was far too humble, but when I received the phone call that I was the candidate of choice to be the youth pastor at our current church two years ago while we were all on vacation together as a family, he very quietly told me when no one was around that he was proud of me. He was a traditional man who could very easily have chosen not to accept or acknowledge my calling because I am a woman, but I always felt his love, support and complete acceptance.
This past week has been full of mixed emotions. M and I spent the week at camp largely out of range for cell phone service. I was very fortunate to be able to send and receive text messages from one spot in our room at camp and be able to make a couple calls. I spent my week providing input sessions and campfire times for seventy nine and ten year old campers. In between my sessions, I spent time texting or trying to call my mom for reports on Grandpa's condition. It was a strange way to say goodbye and begin letting go, but I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I was able to be part of the journey to the end of his life, part of the process of letting him go even though I was so far away. My mom and her siblings were all able to walk part of the journey with him from his side in the hospital, but only one of his grandchildren was able to be there to say goodbye in person.
Yesterday, M and I sent campers home between nine and ten in the morning. We had lunch with the camp staff and counselors and then headed home. My mom and I were on the phone catching up after a week of garbled conversations due to my week cell phone signal when she received the call from the hospital that Grandpa was gone. A few minutes after we walked in the door, she sent me a text message letting me know. She and her sister had been home less than 24 hours. Yesterday, June 21, was my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I think he waited to achieve that milestone before allowing himself to leave this world for his permanent home.
Since we were all planning to be together starting on June 30 to celebrate their anniversary, my grandma, mom, and her siblings have opted to wait to have his service until we would all have been there anyway. Sometime toward the end of this next week, M and I will be driving to Ohio to join family in saying our final goodbye. After leaving our animals at home alone for the time we were at camp, we've got a wonderful house sitter to keep them company while we're gone this time. They were so happy to see us yesterday, I just don't want to leave them completely alone for that long again!
After almost six years of living so far away from all of my grandparents, I've learned to take full advantage of phone calls and times spent together. It's been nearly two years since I saw my grandpa face to face, but I remember our last hug like it was yesterday. I always make a special note of what those goodbye hugs feel like because I know it could be the last one. I never end a phone conversation unless we've said I love you in case it's the last time I get to say it. This spring, when I called to tell my grandparents we were expecting again, my grandpa was the only one home. We talked for quite a while about all sorts of things, and now I am so grateful for that conversation. Most of our conversations were with both grandparents on at the same time. What a privilege to have had that time alone with him! When I called several weeks ago after a rash of tornadoes in our area, he stayed on just a bit longer than my grandma to say I love you. Moments I'll never forget.
Grandpa, I know you are sitting at the feet of our Savior right now with my baby girl, and I have faith that when my time comes, I will join you there as well. I love you always!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
A week of ups and downs and in betweens
What a week!
My week started out with a bang on Monday when I received the news that my grandpa had had a heart attack and was in the hospital. M was on his way to a job interview while I talked to my mom on the phone and tried to get a little more information about my grandpa's condition. M's interview went well, but my grandpa's condition has been quite a concern for us this week. His doctor recommended bypass surgery and a valve replacement/repair, but Grandpa has decided open heart surgery is not for him, so we have begun the waiting game of saying goodbye. His choice not to have the surgery is unconventional and his doctors really have no idea how much time we have with him. We have been planning a family reunion and 60th wedding anniversary celebration with my grandparents for the week of July 4th for the last two years. We're hoping he makes it that long. His health is fragile, but he seems to be holding his own day by day.
M's interview went so well he was offered and has accepted a job teaching high school American history next year. The decision to take this job was not an easy one because it felt like there was no right or wrong decision. M has been part of a fantastic group of teachers and despite the fact that this past year was not an easy one he will very much miss teaching with this group. He will be returning to teach at his own alma mater which is exciting and we're hoping he finds as much satisfaction in his work there as I have in my church work. I'm sure there will be much anxiety for both of us as he prepares to make this change, but it feels like the right time for this move.
From trying to find ways to celebrate this new opportunity for M to emotional, teary phone calls with my family, this has indeed been a roller coaster of a week! We have also reached the exact point in this pregnancy where we lost Faith in the first pregnancy. Today is twenty-one weeks and two days. Twenty-one weeks and two days into my first pregnancy I was in the hospital for the induction, waiting to deliver our baby girl. Twenty-one weeks and two days into this pregnancy I was awakened by kicks and punches. No matter how I shifted around, he just wouldn't settle back down. I was not going to be able to go back to sleep.
I've been realizing this week that there is something strange and sacred about experiencing the emotions of saying goodbye to a family member while carrying and preparing to bring the next generation into that same family. Because of my late loss in our first pregnancy, this pregnancy is high risk. After our planned trip the first week of July, my doctor has asked me not to travel again for the remainder of the pregnancy. I very much hope that my grandpa is still around for the week of our planned reunion, but I know that seeing him one last time means I most likely will not be able to be at his funeral. I would much rather have a chance to say goodbye face to face, but my heart still hurts knowing that I will be saying my final goodbye from miles away and without my family.
We're still several weeks away from being able to feel the baby move on the outside of my body according to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. Knowing that my grandpa most likely will never meet this little guy, we purchased a fetal doppler for listening to his heartbeat this afternoon. I really want to be able to have my grandpa listen to his heartbeat and movements. I want my grandpa to be able to experience his great-grandson the best that he can before he joins his great-granddaughter in heaven. Prayers would be appreciated that we would be able to share this very special experience before we say goodbye!
My week started out with a bang on Monday when I received the news that my grandpa had had a heart attack and was in the hospital. M was on his way to a job interview while I talked to my mom on the phone and tried to get a little more information about my grandpa's condition. M's interview went well, but my grandpa's condition has been quite a concern for us this week. His doctor recommended bypass surgery and a valve replacement/repair, but Grandpa has decided open heart surgery is not for him, so we have begun the waiting game of saying goodbye. His choice not to have the surgery is unconventional and his doctors really have no idea how much time we have with him. We have been planning a family reunion and 60th wedding anniversary celebration with my grandparents for the week of July 4th for the last two years. We're hoping he makes it that long. His health is fragile, but he seems to be holding his own day by day.
M's interview went so well he was offered and has accepted a job teaching high school American history next year. The decision to take this job was not an easy one because it felt like there was no right or wrong decision. M has been part of a fantastic group of teachers and despite the fact that this past year was not an easy one he will very much miss teaching with this group. He will be returning to teach at his own alma mater which is exciting and we're hoping he finds as much satisfaction in his work there as I have in my church work. I'm sure there will be much anxiety for both of us as he prepares to make this change, but it feels like the right time for this move.
From trying to find ways to celebrate this new opportunity for M to emotional, teary phone calls with my family, this has indeed been a roller coaster of a week! We have also reached the exact point in this pregnancy where we lost Faith in the first pregnancy. Today is twenty-one weeks and two days. Twenty-one weeks and two days into my first pregnancy I was in the hospital for the induction, waiting to deliver our baby girl. Twenty-one weeks and two days into this pregnancy I was awakened by kicks and punches. No matter how I shifted around, he just wouldn't settle back down. I was not going to be able to go back to sleep.
I've been realizing this week that there is something strange and sacred about experiencing the emotions of saying goodbye to a family member while carrying and preparing to bring the next generation into that same family. Because of my late loss in our first pregnancy, this pregnancy is high risk. After our planned trip the first week of July, my doctor has asked me not to travel again for the remainder of the pregnancy. I very much hope that my grandpa is still around for the week of our planned reunion, but I know that seeing him one last time means I most likely will not be able to be at his funeral. I would much rather have a chance to say goodbye face to face, but my heart still hurts knowing that I will be saying my final goodbye from miles away and without my family.
We're still several weeks away from being able to feel the baby move on the outside of my body according to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. Knowing that my grandpa most likely will never meet this little guy, we purchased a fetal doppler for listening to his heartbeat this afternoon. I really want to be able to have my grandpa listen to his heartbeat and movements. I want my grandpa to be able to experience his great-grandson the best that he can before he joins his great-granddaughter in heaven. Prayers would be appreciated that we would be able to share this very special experience before we say goodbye!
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