I wish I had something profound to say, but I really don't. Three years ago Sunday we found out that our baby had died. Three years ago yesterday my first labor was induced. Three years ago today I gave birth for the first time. Three years ago today I held my oldest child for the only time.
It's hard to believe it's been three years since we lost Faith. I still feel incredibly sad thinking about her. I still miss her terribly. I'm always aware at birthdays and holidays and random times in between that someone is missing from our family, that there's a hole in me and in our life where a special little girl should be.
At the same time, I can breathe. I can wake up each day and function. I can feel joy and happiness and love.
There's a strange thing that happens over time as we heal. We learn to accept life the way it is now. We learn to appreciate what we have in new ways. We become more intentional in our living. We move on. We never forget. We never truly say goodbye. We carry our missing loved one with us but we learn to live through the grief.
N is two now and soon he will start to form the memories that will stay with him the rest of his life. Soon he will begin to remember our trips to Faith' s grave. Next year when we go I will want to explain to him where we are and why we're there. I will want him to begin to understand that Faith is part of his story too. As we say goodbye again today to our oldest child I will also be thinking of ways to include her in our family, to make her story part of our journey in ways that will help both of my boys understand that grief and loss are a part of life and give them the courage to find healthy ways to experience those emotions.
Three years ago today I became a parent. Three years ago today I was at the beginning of a journey I never wanted to take. Three years ago today. In three years I have learned much, loved much, cried much, and laughed much. Thanks be to God for walking with me through the darkness and brokenness of this day three years ago and for bringing me to this time and place of being able to remember with peace in my heart.
