Feels like a long wait

Thursday marked 36 weeks for this pregnancy which takes my total count of weeks pregnant up to 57! I'm so ready to meet this little person. Every day we get a little more ready to welcome him. Yesterday I finished getting a baby blanket ready for him. Unfortunately, you'll all have to wait to see pictures because I appliqued his name on it! Here's a few thoughts on the last weeks of pregnancy.

First, I'm pretty sure that Baby Graber has decided not to come out. Eighteen years from now he'll still be wiggling around in my stomach as I take him off to college! I feel like I've been pregnant forever and as much as my head logically knows Baby Graber will eventually come, I have moments when I'm quite positive he's not coming out!

Second, we've reach the point in this pregnancy where Baby Graber could come anytime and be a perfectly healthy little boy. Each day that goes by gives us less time we'd have to spend in the hospital with him. Realizing that has taken my anxiety level back up. I can't help but thinking how much worse it will be if something happens at this point. I know what can go wrong, and I also know that it's unlikely that any of those things will happen, but my anxiety is still growing. I want so much to watch my son grow up and help him become the person God intends him to be. I know what it's like not to have the chance to do that, and I worry that I won't get the chance with this baby. Trust is hard right now.

Third, I'm actually looking forward to labor and delivery. I am increasingly uncomfortable. I know what labor will be like, but I also know that my doctor will do everything possible to make sure that labor has a very different outcome this time. M seems to be just waiting for me to go into labor and asks frequently how I'm feeling as though that will help us know when this little one will come. My doctor said on Wednesday that she didn't think he'd be coming before our next appointment, so I guess I'm not expecting anything to happen soon, but it's a bit strange to have people watching you so closely!

Fourth, I'm sure my anxiety has been increased in part by the fact that Baby Graber is running out of room to move. In the last couple of weeks, his movements have changed considerably. He just can't get enough momentum going to kick quite the same way. My ribs are grateful, but when he's really quiet for most of the afternoon, I can't help but worry occasionally. All this is apparently normal, but I've been assured over and over by my doctor that I can come in any time and have them check with a fetal movement monitor to be sure he's doing okay. They'd rather have me come in frequently than miss our window to do something if there's anything wrong. (Just to ease your mind as well as mine, he's moving fine right now. Lots of kicks!)

So there you have it! A few thoughts as we head into the last weeks of pregnancy. I am very eager to get the show on the road, but I also don't want to rush a baby who isn't ready into the world. Prayers for patience and trust would be appreciated, and I have to say, there's no way we'd have made it this far without the prayers and support of so many wonderful folks! Thank you!

Relaxing...a little more

We've made it to 35 weeks and had a great appointment with the doctor yesterday. We'll see her every week from here on out. Baby Graber is doing just what he's supposed to...he's running out of room! He's still finding a way to give me sore ribs, but he can't kick quite as hard because there's no room to wind up a good kick.

Yesterday's appointment provided two pieces of what feel like really good news. First, if Baby Graber were to arrive today, he might spend a day or two in the Special Care Unit, but we'd probably go home from the hospital together! That feels like fabulous news. After leaving the hospital with empty arms nearly eleven months ago, I think a huge part of me was dreading the idea of having to do that again even though we'd be returning to visit our baby. Somehow, going home together is a goal I'm not sure I even knew I had.

Second, we can expect this delivery to be more like a typical second delivery than a first delivery in spite of the fact that Baby Graber will be much larger than Faith. After hearing about 24-plus hour labors at our childbirth class, M was a bit apprehensive about labor. Given that the average time for a second delivery is 8 hours, we can expect this delivery to be shorter than last time and, to quote my doctor directly, "easier." I think I was expecting that this time would probably be faster, but it never occurred to me that I could actually hope this one would be easier given that Baby Graber is currently around six times larger or more than Faith.

Experience has taught me that Baby Graber's heartbeat could stop at any time and accidents happen, but I think our visit with the doctor yesterday is helping me relax just a little bit more. She would prefer not to induce, but she was very understanding when I mentioned that if we make it to 40 weeks, I'm probably going to be desperate to be done. She jokingly said I've been pregnant for about 3 years! (Some days it really does feel that way!!) The next goal is to keep Baby Graber where he is for about three more weeks, but then we'll all be ready for him to make an appearance anytime!

On another front, we've had other good news lately. First, a small follow up on poor, pathetic, pitiful Simon. He's no longer pathetic because his back foot isn't working! His limbs are all working fine and he seems to be feeling better. It's hard to tell just how much better, however, because his meds make him a bit of a space cadet! He sleeps most of the day on the sofa, which he needs to do in order to heal, and when he's fully awake he tends to sit and stare. He stares at people and off into space. You can tell he's not terribly focused. It's hard to see him so fuzzy, but we have to keep him on his meds for two whole weeks to be sure he has time to heal properly. We also have to make sure we don't let him jump which is quite difficult. He's used to being very independent and without the pain he was having at the beginning of the week he's ready to get back to his normal routine. I'm grateful for a compassionate vet, meds that heal, and a sleepy, spacey puppy snuggled up on the couch!

I'm also grateful for my mom's new principal. We found out yesterday that my mom and dad will be able to come for a couple of extra days at Thanksgiving! With my mom's new job (huge amount of gratitude for that!!), we weren't sure when they'd come meet Baby Graber for the first time. It was really hard to think about the idea of having them come Friday night and have to go home on Sunday. I just hate the idea of having to say goodbye again so quickly. We talked about it and decided it would be better to wait a little longer to come out so that they could come for longer. They're planning to fly out Thanksgiving Day and head home on Tuesday the following week. That gives us four whole days together instead of just one!! We'll probably spend most of Thanksgiving with M's family and then pick them up at the airport in the evening. I'm hoping we can have my grandma come for the holiday, too, so that she can meet Baby Graber, and my brother is looking at possible dates to come meet him as well. I'm sure I'll be exhausted having folks come and stay, but I am so looking forward to such special introductions!

This is Simon...

This is Simon. Simon could use a few happy thoughts sent his way right now.

Simon has been part of my family nearly all of his five years. He was about two months old when he came to live with me. He is a super sweet dog and would do anything to make M or me happy. He loves to play fetch. He loves to snuggle. His favorite treats are carrots, cucumbers, green beans, peas, and most veggies in general. He's a strange little dog, but he's a great buddy.

Yesterday Simon stopped playing very suddenly. He never does that! He walked home with M and clearly wasn't himself. He was panting and shaking, sure signs that a dachshund is in pain. We called the vet and immediately put him in his crate to keep him from hurting himself any more. The vet called back last night and said it sounded like a bulging disc, and he recommended we treat him with a little aspirin. We gave him a round of aspirin last night before putting him to bed.

This morning Simon was clearly still having pain. We gave him another aspirin and waited to see how he'd do. He was walking very awkwardly and looked stiff. I called the vet's office as soon as they opened this morning and we took Simon in for a 2:30 appointment this afternoon. By the time we got to the vet's office, Simon's right back leg was causing him problems. The vet found a spot about half way down Simon's back that was very sensitive, clearly the problem area. Simon got a steroid shot in the office along with a take-home pharmacy including oral steroids and muscle relaxants.

Simon's favorite person in the whole world is M. He's currently snuggled up on the sofa with M resting. The vet thinks he's got a good shot at being back to normal with two weeks of meds and a few adjustments in his normal routine. We need to keep him from jumping up and down off of furniture and carry him down the deck stairs at least until he's healed, longer if we can manage it.

If you get a chance to send a few happy thoughts Simon's way, we'd all appreciate it. It's hard to see such a happy, loving dog in so much pain, but we caught this before it turned into a ruptured disc (much worse!) so we just need to stick it out for a few days until we get his pain under control and then it'll be a challenge trying to help him rest so he heals completely. With a little over five weeks until my due date, we'd like Simon to be back to his old tricks sooner rather than later so he can help us welcome Baby Graber home. I know they're going to be best buds!

Not quite awake...

This morning I wandered out of my bedroom not quite awake. I looked across the room, without my contacts or glasses, and saw the fuzzy image of an infant car seat. Who left a baby.... The thought only managed to half form in my head before I realized that's MY baby's car seat!!

We've been collecting baby gear in the bedroom next to ours for what feels like forever. We had just started to collect a few things when we lost Faith, and our first reaction was to close the door and try to forget what was inside. Over the weeks between pregnancies, that bedroom became a catchall storage area. When spring break arrived in March, we spend some time cleaning it out, sorting all the things we'd stored, getting rid of some things, finding permanent homes for others. It has stayed more or less neat and tidy since then, but over the last couple of weeks we've begun accumulating things in there again. This time, however, it's been baby things, things that belong in a nursery.

The room is beginning to come together. We have an antique dresser that will double as our changing table. We put up the crib before M went back to school. We added the mattress a couple of weeks ago. My father-in-law recovered the seat of a beautiful wooden rocking chair and delivered it recently. He also added an additional shelf and rod to one of the room's closets so that Baby Graber will eventually be able to choose his own clothes and dress himself without M or I having to reach things for him. My mother-in-law has finished the crib quilt she started exactly one year ago and she even made a valance to match. The nursery officially has a Very Hungry Caterpillar theme (from author Eric Carle).

(C - I hope you don't mind. I needed to show this off!)

That's my mother-in-law hiding behind the quilt in her beautiful, sunny sewing room! The quilt turned out absolutely amazing and the valance to match was added to the nursery last night.

More pictures of the nursery will be coming as we continue to add to the room. It's amazing to me how much we've already amassed for this little person and how much more it feels like we need. I have a basket of clothes that are washed and ready to go. I have cloth diapers washed and ready to go even though we don't plan to use them right away. There are so many things ready and waiting.

We're down to about six weeks (or less if he's early!), and I have to admit there's this not-quite-awake feeling that creeps up on me at times. I am so ready to meet this little person, but every time I leave the house to run to the grocery store or pick up the mail, I'm reminded how much more complicated those simple activities will be in just a few weeks. I guess most new parents experience this feeling as they near the birth of their baby, a feeling of anticipation and wonder at what life will be like once the baby that has spent so many long months growing safely inside is suddenly a part of your life in a very different way.

I've spent so many of the last months pregnant that even when I dream I always dream that I'm pregnant. I'm starting to wonder if I'll stay pregnant in my dreams long after Baby Graber arrives! I'm very ready for the changes that will soon come to our lives with this new arrival, but I think that until he's here and we're living the day-to-day reality of life with Baby, I'm always going to feel a little bit of the not-quite-awake sensation I experienced this morning, a sense of wonder and anticipation along with a sense of surprise that this is my baby, my son, whose birth this house is anxiously awaiting.

The Hazards of Childbirth Class

The evaluation asked if I would recommend other new parents I know take the hospital's childbirth class, and I guess I would, but this certainly wasn't my most positive experience this pregnancy. Nearly everything we learned I could just as easily, and probably already have, gleaned from the vast array of resources on the Internet. I'm a planner. I research. I want to be sure I'm giving my son the best that I can. Therefore, I really didn't learn a tremendous amount from over eight hours of class. I'm sure the relaxation and breathing techniques will come in handy, but probably the best thing I learned is that I'm probably already about as prepared as I'm going to be.

So, you're probably wondering why, if I found parts of the class helpful, I would only grudgingly offer this class to other new parents. One, we were clearly the oldest couple in the room. At least three of the couples were unmarried and looked to be between the ages of eighteen and twenty-three (and that's being generous!). The other two couples (one of which was married last October and the other was married last December!) on closer inspection were younger than I originally thought, most likely not more than twenty-five. Now, I'm not a particularly young first time mother, but I am younger than many of my friends were with their first babies and I am younger than my mother was with me. I still felt extremely out of place among this group of new moms. Add to that the fact that M and I were the only couple to both be fully employed (two homemakers, three unemployed/marginally employed dads - video games anyone?), and we were quite out of place.

Two, according to all the statistics, approximately one in four pregnancies ends in pregnancy loss. Given the group of which we were a part last night and today, I'm fairly confident we were the only ones with any experience of pregnancy loss. Statistically unlikely, but I'm still pretty certain that it was the case. Add to our knowledge of loss the fact that we delivered our daughter in that very hospital and that the tour of the maternal/child unit included a stop in the very delivery room where that loss became so horribly real, and it all added up to a less than stellar experience of childbirth class.

I realize that we live in a small community where the number of people who have had similar experiences of loss is very small, but it certainly would have felt different sitting in class with others who might have similar questions to mine. Things like, what emotions can I expect during labor given my past experience? Or, how will my body respond differently to labor this time than it did last time? I'll start a list for my doctor, but it does feel like we could have spent our weekend in a more productive way. While our instructors gave time for questions, it felt inappropriate to subject the others to my questions and even my history of loss.

Would I recommend other new parents take their hospital's childbirth class? Yes, but if your journey to parenthood has been a little, or a lot, rocky, know that you may have awkward moments and even rather raw emotions. Be prepared to ask your doctor your burning questions because your class may not feel like the appropriate place. And, if you have the opportunity to take a different type of class, look into it. You might find an alternative option more helpful.

A few random thoughts...

M keeps telling me that I no longer "track well." It seems that my brain has been almost completely replaced with mush. I don't follow conversations as well as I normally do. I don't get jokes. I randomly state things that no one else can follow. It's a blast! Just to give you a small window into the current inner workings of my pregnant brain, here are a few random thoughts that have been floating around in my head today.

• Physical discomforts. These take a up a significant portion of my brain power. Heart burn that necessitates sleeping in a recliner, feet in my ribs, back pain, and Braxton-Hicks contractions. Yay!
• Remnants of thoughts on Christology from my class yesterday evening. I've never processed well in class, but that's even more pronounced now. All the things I wish I'd thought of in class last night are floating around in there today.
• Class last night was followed by thunderstorms. Today, I've found myself checking the weather frequently to see when we'll get more rain. For those of you not experiencing the drought in South Central Kansas, we could use a week (or several) of rain. Amazing how heat and extremely dry conditions can take it out of you!
• Hiccups. Several times a day Baby Graber has hiccups. It's quite difficult to focus on anything else when your stomach is hiccuping.
• The DMV. I was fortunate enough to have my driver's license expire on my birthday, two weeks before Baby Graber is due. There was an interesting fellow in the office this morning when I arrived waiting to find out when the suspension on his license would be lifted. I think I'd feel more sorry that he has to wait until December for the suspension to lift, but the woman at the desk told him it had been extended because he was caught driving with a suspended license. I was amazed that the only DMV employee there on a busy day was able to stay positive in spite of rude patrons and even a woman who cussed at her because she lost her spot in line when she went out to smoke. By the time it was my turn, I was sure she'd be completely without patience, but she was incredibly nice! She even let me leave my weight at my pre-pregnancy weight on my new driver's license!
• Thoughts for some folks who are experiencing major life changing health challenges. From injuries due to car accidents to cancer to loss of babies born to early, my heart hurts for these folks. Today's mildly profound thought is about brokenness. It is in our most broken moments that God's glory, grace, healing, love, and power can be revealed. In the moments when we encounter our own brokenness, the greatest gift we can offer to one another is prayer. I am continually amazed by how my own life has been profoundly affected by the prayers of others on my behalf. When my heart aches for others and I long to know what to offer, prayer seems like such a simple thing, but it's impact can be incredible. When I don't know how to pray, the Spirit hears the longings of my heart that are too deep for words as the prayers they are meant to be. Amazing!
• My own blessings. It's hard not to think of the blessings in my own life when I think about the obstacles in the lives of others. I'm reminded again to live in gratitude. Life can change in an instant and we can find ourselves faced with immense challenges. When challenges arise, it can feel like all we can do is call out to God. But, it's when things are going well, when we are living "no matter what goes right" lives, that it's difficult to remember to call out to God in gratitude. We looked at Psalm 96 last Sunday in Sunday School.

"O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations, his marvellous works among all the peoples.
For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be revered above all     gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are idols, but the Lord made the heavens.
Honour and majesty are before him; strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering, and come into his courts.
Worship the Lord in holy splendour; tremble before him, all the earth.

Say among the nations, ‘The Lord is king!
The world is firmly established; it shall never be moved.
He will judge the peoples with equity.’
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it.
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord; for he is coming, for he is coming to judge the earth.
He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with his truth."

This Psalm is still ringing in my heart. May it ring in yours as well. If all your heart can do today is wordlessly call out to God, know that God hears you, know that God is with you, know that you are being lifted up by the prayers of many, and know that even when you cannot offer praise of your own, the very earth around you will praise the Lord until you are able to praise again.