Grieving the loss of a plan

All through my pregnancy, M reminded me that pregnancy had caused me to lose my filter. I had (and maybe still have) a tendency to provide way too much information. I might be about to do that again, but I think these are things that need to be shared.

Yesterday, N and I made a trip back to my doctor. Between the c-section, lack of sleep, trouble breastfeeding, and general adjustment to life with baby, my emotional state has been completely out of wack.  I decided to get some help before things got any worse. I have officially been diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD). Two pregnancies in less than a year and a half, the loss of a baby, and a family history of anxiety and depression, put me in a high risk category for PPD. I was warned by a number of doctors and nurses leading up to delivery, and we were watching closely to make sure I got help early if I needed it. I do.

In addition to getting help getting my emotions back on more positive footing, we have decided at the suggestion of my doctor and N's doctor to let go of breastfeeding. This has not been an easy decision. I fully expected to breastfeed N for at least the first full year, but it just isn't worth fighting him over it anymore. Neither one of us need the additional stress right now, and in order to be sure I that I am able to be the best mom possible, this is something I need to let go. I plan to continue pumping either as long as I am able to or until I'm ready to let that go as well, so N will continue to get some breast milk, but this was certainly not the plan from the start.

My doctor said yesterday that I need to allow myself time to grieve the loss of my plans. I've always been a planner. I like knowing that I have a plan for every situation. I will have entire conversations in my head so that I can be prepared for whatever comes up and have a plan for what I will say if the conversation goes this way or that way. I had a plan for welcoming N into the world, a plan for bringing him home, a plan for the first weeks of his life and beyond. I was not planning on having a c-section (but my doctor reminded me yesterday that I really did do everything I could to avoid the c-section). I was not planning on bottle feeding or having to supplement with formula. I was not planning on needing extra recovery time or fighting PPD. I have to allow myself time to grieve the loss of these plans in order to move on and embrace my new reality.

N is perfect. He is healthy and strong. He cries when he's hungry or needs to be changed, but he's quiet otherwise. He's a great baby, and I am blessed. But, I still need to allow myself time to adjust my expectations to my reality, to get emotionally healthy again, and I could use some prayers as I do.

He's Here!

He's here! Most of you (or more likely all of you) already know this and have been wondering how we're doing so here's an update!

1. This is Nikolas Johannes. He was born on 10/11/12 at 11:55 pm. He weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. I seem to need to keep learning the hard lesson that not everything goes according to plan. We went to the doctor one week ago today and found that my blood pressure had risen considerably. My doctor recommended induction, so Thursday morning at 6 am we arrived at the hospital to start pitocen. Long story short, it took over 14 hours for me to be ready to push, and after 2 1/2 hours of pushing, it was clear that I was wearing out, so we ended up having a c-section.

2. Coming home from the hospital with a baby was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. He's a really good baby. He only cries when we're changing his diaper and when he's hungry.

3. We have been having feeding issues. At first, Nikolas seemed to be having feeding resistance issues. He'd start eating and latch on well only to push me away seconds later. We've been to see the lactation consultant at the hospital twice in two days. Last night, I realized after purchasing a new electric pump that my milk supply is not enough for him right now, so we're having to supplement with formula. Prayers for all of us would be appreciated. Mom's emotions are pretty raw after little sleep and major surgery. We really want to get this breastfeeding thing down, but it's been super frustrating and there have been many tears (mostly on my part!).

4. M heads back to work tomorrow for a really long day. He's got a teacher work day from 8 to 12 and parent/teacher conferences from 12 to 8. This will not be a good day for any of us. I'm pretty nervous about not having M here to talk me down when I get overly emotional, and I think it's going to be hard for him to be gone so long from both N and me.

5. I've realized that some of my raw emotions are stemming from the fact that Sunday will be the one year anniversary of Faith's birth. Spending time with N has been wonderful, but it's also reminded me how much I miss my baby girl. Sunday will be hard.

Another whine...

I am uncomfortable. I am tired and I am uncomfortable. I am quite sure I will be pregnant forever. This baby has decided he's never coming out. That is all.

37 Weeks

Today marks 37 weeks that Baby Graber has been growing and changing and getting ready to join our world. We have officially reached full term! Baby Graber will no longer be premature or preterm if he arrives at this point.

Yesterday's doctor's appointment went well. Baby Graber made his presence known during his heartbeat check by kicking the doctor! It also appears that he's dropped in the last week, and my doctor's years of experience tell her that means we have between one and two weeks left. She seemed fairly confident that we'd be back for our appointment next week, but there's a good chance the one after that will be canceled because Baby will be here! I'm very ready!

Today's projects include a few final preparations for Baby Graber. His many things have been stashed in his room waiting for him. Now it's time to find homes for them. I've also got a few sewing projects left to finish. Nothing major, fortunately, but things I want to complete before we bring Baby Graber home and I no longer want to spend my time on them for a while. We've also had a bag packed for the hospital for the last week or so, but today I want to go back through it and the list from the hospital of what to bring and double check that we've got everything we need. (Did you know they recommend bringing a small paper bag in case of hyperventilation. Not sure if it's for me or for M...)

All that's left now is to wait for labor to begin... (Everywhere I go people have started to be surprised to see me. "No baby yet, huh?")

So Many Thoughts... Post Three

If each of today's three posts had its own title the first would be called "That Time Again," the second would be called "Someday," and this last one would be called "Sometimes." Hopefully somewhere in one of the three you've found something worth reading!

Sometimes, as we get closer every day to welcoming Baby Graber, I start thinking about doing all the little things with him that I didn't get to do with Faith and I just want to cry. The tears are both happy and sad. They are tears for what I didn't get to do with my first baby, things I wanted to do, things I didn't know I wanted to do, things my heart still longs to do. They are tears of joy because I will get to do these things and more with my son.

Yesterday we were at the hospital to preregister for delivery. There are an abundance of things to sign, choices to make, things they need to tell you about hospital policy and security and what to expect when you take your baby home. I have been warned about "purple crying" and told that it's okay to make sure your baby is safe then walk away until you are calm enough to go back to him. I've realized that even being angry and annoyed and frustrated enough to need to walk away is something that I am looking forward to because it means he's here.

I am looking forward to changing stinky diapers and complaining about explosive messes and telling everyone who touches him to "wash your hands." I am looking forward midnight feedings and snuggling on the couch and being able to stare into each others eyes and knowing that we see one another. I'm already planning in my head what he'll wear to meet this person or that person, how we'll introduce him to his family, even how we'll introduce him to Simon and Lilly. Sometimes when I think about these things, good and bad, messy and exciting, I just want to cry both for what should have been and for what will be. And, in the midst of these tears is the never ending impatience for labor to begin, the longing for these last days or weeks to go by quickly, so we can take that first family picture and share this new little person with the world!

So Many Thoughts... Post Two

Lately, I've realized that I wish there were a book that could tell me my emotions throughout this pregnancy, a pregnancy after a late loss, are normal emotions. There's such a roller coaster of emotions with any pregnancy, but I'm fairly confident that the emotions after a loss like ours are not entirely what you'd expect from most normal, routine pregnancies. Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been completely ordinary (praise God! I'm pretty sure this is the only time I want my child to fall completely within the category of 'normal'!), my emotional swings have been even more unpredictable than they were last time (just ask M).

Given that there really isn't a 'right' way to grieve the loss of a pregnancy or child, it seems that it would follow that there's no 'right' way to experience pregnancy after such a loss, but it would be nice to read that in a book. I've been rolling the idea around in my head of someday working on such a book. This book would include my own stories and those of others who have traveled the road of pregnancy after loss. It would be a book about hope. It would be a book that helps other moms know that the ups and downs they experience are normal, that there will be times when anxiety will be overwhelming and times when you feel complete elation that you have been blessed to carry another child. It would give each mom permission to experience the journey in her own way, to call her doctor for every twinge, to encourage her on the journey by sharing our own stories of what to expect when you are expecting after a loss.

This is on my list for someday, but as I'm still on the journey and want to be sure I have plenty of time with my son after he arrives, it will stay on the someday list for a while. I have a story to share, and I know there are others who have or will have stories to share. These stories need to be told so that others will not feel so alone. Pregnancy after loss is a long, long road, but I think there are things we can offer to each other when we've traveled this road that can make the journey easier for others. Someday, I'd like to have the chance to try.

So many thoughts... Post One of Three

The last couple of days I've had a lot of thoughts running through my head that are all loosely connected, but really quite different things. I've decided to give to each its own blog post. I think they are all worthy of your time and mine, so please read all three!

It's that time again. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and  yesterday kicked off a whole month of awareness raising events. The image above will be my Facebook profile image for the month of October. Yes, I realize that I am also expecting Baby Graber sometime this month, but his image and images of us together will have eleven months of the year to grace my Facebook page. My baby girl, Faith, will always be remembered for the month of October.

If you have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, I encourage you to visit this site to find the appropriate image for your loss and use it as your Facebook profile image for some or all of this month. There is incredible loneliness in the loss of a pregnancy or child. No woman should ever have to feel any more alone than they have to. Help tell the world and those around you that we are not alone in our losses, that despite being a horrible club in which to belong the "mothers of children who are not here club" is ready to support each other through the journey!