After all the drama of my blood tests and the anticipation of Christmas, I did it! I survived Christmas! I even made it through two days of Christmas, one with M's family and one with my parents who are visiting for a whole week. So here's a quick rundown on just how well I did and how much better I'm doing.
Friday included a rather terrifying visit to the doctor's office to find out what all the tests on my blood tell us. The long and the short is that I am perfectly healthy and my doctor is expecting to see me back as soon as I'm ready to have a sonogram for my next pregnancy. Yes, you heard right - next pregnancy! I have to say I absolutely love my doctor. She was both encouraging and realistic. She says that based on my blood work and everything they saw throughout my pregnancy with Faith, we've suffered a "lightening strike." The chances of having this happen again are low enough that she highly encouraged us to try again. Yay for good news! She was also realistic about just how neurotic I can expect to be with any future pregnancies and said she will be willing to do a sonogram anytime I need one to calm my nerves. Like I said, I love my doctor! (She was also very apologetic about the amount of time I spent waiting to have my blood drawn.)
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were not easy by any means, but they also weren't as bad as I was expecting them to be. I have to say that I am very proud of M and I for doing quite well with the holiday. There were tears, but not too many, and there were happy moments, too, in spite of the tears. Overall, it was a pretty good day, and it was followed by Christmas number two with my parents today. Christmas number two was also not free of tears, but it was a good day as well. My mom and I made turkey and fixings, and she even helped me with my newest project, learning to embroider (she even started a project of her own!).
With two family Christmases over, I'm looking forward to New Year's. I think this is a holiday I can get on board with more than I could with Christmas. New Year's is about looking to the future, seeing possibilities, setting goals, and feeling the hope and promise of a new year. I think I can handle that. My prayer is that 2012 will be a better year. Not that 2011 has been all bad! The last two months somewhat ruined what was for the most part a good year. So here's hoping that 2012 starts and ends with happiness, for all of us!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Two Months and Surviving Christmas
In case you haven't noticed, I've been having some trouble finding words over the last couple of weeks. I've started so many blog posts, it's ridiculous! Somehow everything I've tried to write has come out wrong or at least incomplete. So here it goes. I'm going to be painfully honest.
It's been two months since we lost Faith. This hasn't been the easiest week. Between preparing for Christmas and a trip to the doctor's office for some blood work, I've been overwhelmed with emotions. On Monday, I spent more than 45 minutes waiting to have a simple blood draw at the doctors office. I watched six pregnant women come and go during that time. More than one had her cigarettes out so that she could light up the second she got to her car. I'm not sure which made me more angry watching those women casually extract their cigarettes from their pockets or the fact that my doctors office made me wait so long for something that took less than five minutes watching those women treat their babies with such a lack of care. I just know that it set me back a couple months in terms of my own grieving process by reminding me again of just how unfair life can be!
Christmas is in three days, and the closer it gets the more I want to run away. My parents are coming to visit for a week, and I'm very glad we'll get to see them, but I can't help but think that maybe having them come here wasn't the best plan. It seemed like it at the time. Now, I think that we might be better off all flying someplace warm where we can pretend it's summer vacation rather than Christmas. Hawaii would be good.
Christmas can be stressful enough with parties, family dinners, shopping, extra gatherings at church. All of these are good things, but the combination can make this time of year feel very full and busy. Even though I've felt some stress related to all the events of Christmas in past years, I've enjoyed each one. This year, however, I feel like I'm just trying to survive. I think I'll be grateful when January arrives and everyone goes back to working a normal schedule. I love my family and my husband and I know I should be grateful for time with them, but to be honest, I'm mostly reminded of what's not here, what's missing, of what I should be doing and feeling. I should be seven months pregnant. I should be planning to spend the time with my mom putting up decorations in the nursery and giving instruction on where I want the crib and the rocking chair to go. I should be feeling the joy of Christmas in the anticipation of waiting to meet my child. Instead, I'm just going through the motions of Christmas traditions without feeling the emotions of the holiday.
As much as I want this blog to be a place of hope, right now the best I can do is survival. We've been going back and forth about sending out a Christmas card this year, but I think I've decided against it. I hope you aren't offended that we won't be returning your cards, and I hope you won't be taking us off your list just because we don't send one. Last year we sent one with a picture of the two of us, but this year I can't handle the thought of taking a "family" picture without my pregnant belly or our daughter. I looked at store bought cards yesterday, but the messages of joy feel like a lie, and they don't make "Merry Christmas, pray for us to survive the holiday" cards. So consider this my Christmas card blessing. I hope you have more to celebrate this year than we do. I hope that you are looking forward to Christmas with all the anticipation the birth of Christ deserves. I hope you find joy in unexpected places, that your heart will overflow with gratitude, peace, and love. And, I hope you'll hold us in your prayers, that next year's Christmas will again be one of joy and hope.
It's been two months since we lost Faith. This hasn't been the easiest week. Between preparing for Christmas and a trip to the doctor's office for some blood work, I've been overwhelmed with emotions. On Monday, I spent more than 45 minutes waiting to have a simple blood draw at the doctors office. I watched six pregnant women come and go during that time. More than one had her cigarettes out so that she could light up the second she got to her car. I'm not sure which made me more angry watching those women casually extract their cigarettes from their pockets or the fact that my doctors office made me wait so long for something that took less than five minutes watching those women treat their babies with such a lack of care. I just know that it set me back a couple months in terms of my own grieving process by reminding me again of just how unfair life can be!
Christmas is in three days, and the closer it gets the more I want to run away. My parents are coming to visit for a week, and I'm very glad we'll get to see them, but I can't help but think that maybe having them come here wasn't the best plan. It seemed like it at the time. Now, I think that we might be better off all flying someplace warm where we can pretend it's summer vacation rather than Christmas. Hawaii would be good.
Christmas can be stressful enough with parties, family dinners, shopping, extra gatherings at church. All of these are good things, but the combination can make this time of year feel very full and busy. Even though I've felt some stress related to all the events of Christmas in past years, I've enjoyed each one. This year, however, I feel like I'm just trying to survive. I think I'll be grateful when January arrives and everyone goes back to working a normal schedule. I love my family and my husband and I know I should be grateful for time with them, but to be honest, I'm mostly reminded of what's not here, what's missing, of what I should be doing and feeling. I should be seven months pregnant. I should be planning to spend the time with my mom putting up decorations in the nursery and giving instruction on where I want the crib and the rocking chair to go. I should be feeling the joy of Christmas in the anticipation of waiting to meet my child. Instead, I'm just going through the motions of Christmas traditions without feeling the emotions of the holiday.
As much as I want this blog to be a place of hope, right now the best I can do is survival. We've been going back and forth about sending out a Christmas card this year, but I think I've decided against it. I hope you aren't offended that we won't be returning your cards, and I hope you won't be taking us off your list just because we don't send one. Last year we sent one with a picture of the two of us, but this year I can't handle the thought of taking a "family" picture without my pregnant belly or our daughter. I looked at store bought cards yesterday, but the messages of joy feel like a lie, and they don't make "Merry Christmas, pray for us to survive the holiday" cards. So consider this my Christmas card blessing. I hope you have more to celebrate this year than we do. I hope that you are looking forward to Christmas with all the anticipation the birth of Christ deserves. I hope you find joy in unexpected places, that your heart will overflow with gratitude, peace, and love. And, I hope you'll hold us in your prayers, that next year's Christmas will again be one of joy and hope.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Love Story
After we lost Faith, music was one of the things that made me the most sad. Listening to the radio, most stations play love song after love song. Even church music which talks about the faithfulness and goodness of God is a struggle sometimes. While song lyrics are definitely a challenge, the music can be just as challenging. The very nature of music is to evoke an emotional reaction. One of the strange things for me about the grieving process has been that all emotions--happy, sad, and everything in between--end in tears.
This week, after seven weeks of NPR, I've been finding myself longing for music, but I think this experience has changed my taste. Classical music, especially classical Christmas music, has become my new best friend. I've never been opposed to classical music, but I've always had other preferences over classical. The last few weeks I've found the messages of on the all-Christmas-all-the-time station to be quite trite as are the love songs on many of the other stations. They simply don't meet my needs right now. Classical music has so many layers of sound, so many deep and powerful emotions.
If you listen to the radio, you know, I'm sure, that there are many stations that play a variety of styles of love songs and only a few classical stations. I've been wondering why these stations satisfied my music needs until losing my daughter. Their messages seemed fine until now. Do they remind me of my loss? Is that why they no longer satisfy? Or, are the stories within too simplistic?
I think traditional love songs seem silly mostly because my love story is not simple or easy. M and I have been married for two years and we dated for nearly three years before we got married. Parts of our story are simple and easy, others are awkward, others are funny, others are happy and joyful. None are particularly sad or difficult. Until the last seven weeks.
I've seen the statistics on what happens to couples when they lose a child. I've watched message boards on infant loss sites and seen how many women write in that they are having problems in their marriages. I won't be one of those statistics.
M reminded me a few days ago that the loss of our daughter could have been physically devastating for me. My blood might not have clotted properly. Delivering my daughter could have caused hemorrhaging or even death. In many ways, we have a second chance for our love story. Not that we really needed a second chance. The early part of our love story wasn't wrong, we didn't mess it up. We did everything right. It's more that I've realized that our story could have ended, ended in any number of ways.
I truly can't imagine sharing the experience of loss with anyone other than M. As I said in my very first post, I expected that our life together would be one of learning to love each other through the good times and the bad, but somehow I never expected the bad to be anything like this. Looking at the statistics for marriages that face challenges like ours, I realize that the marriages that survive are probably stronger. Their love stories are deeper than before. They are like many of the classical music pieces I've heard recently, layers of love like the layers of sound.
I think this is the reason I haven't been able to listen to and appreciate much of the music I loved before. My love story is changing. M and I have both been changed as individuals by the loss of our daughter, therefore, our love story must change to accommodate those changes. We are becoming a deeply layered piece of music with fast paced, joyful movements, slow, soft, melancholy movements, strings, woodwinds, horns. Layer upon layer of beautiful sound.
They say that having a baby is one of the most stressful events in a marriage, one that can either pull two people apart or can bond two people like never before. Even without her living, breathing presence, our daughter is bringing us closer together. One more gratitude in the midst of heartache.
This week, after seven weeks of NPR, I've been finding myself longing for music, but I think this experience has changed my taste. Classical music, especially classical Christmas music, has become my new best friend. I've never been opposed to classical music, but I've always had other preferences over classical. The last few weeks I've found the messages of on the all-Christmas-all-the-time station to be quite trite as are the love songs on many of the other stations. They simply don't meet my needs right now. Classical music has so many layers of sound, so many deep and powerful emotions.
If you listen to the radio, you know, I'm sure, that there are many stations that play a variety of styles of love songs and only a few classical stations. I've been wondering why these stations satisfied my music needs until losing my daughter. Their messages seemed fine until now. Do they remind me of my loss? Is that why they no longer satisfy? Or, are the stories within too simplistic?
I think traditional love songs seem silly mostly because my love story is not simple or easy. M and I have been married for two years and we dated for nearly three years before we got married. Parts of our story are simple and easy, others are awkward, others are funny, others are happy and joyful. None are particularly sad or difficult. Until the last seven weeks.
I've seen the statistics on what happens to couples when they lose a child. I've watched message boards on infant loss sites and seen how many women write in that they are having problems in their marriages. I won't be one of those statistics.
M reminded me a few days ago that the loss of our daughter could have been physically devastating for me. My blood might not have clotted properly. Delivering my daughter could have caused hemorrhaging or even death. In many ways, we have a second chance for our love story. Not that we really needed a second chance. The early part of our love story wasn't wrong, we didn't mess it up. We did everything right. It's more that I've realized that our story could have ended, ended in any number of ways.
I truly can't imagine sharing the experience of loss with anyone other than M. As I said in my very first post, I expected that our life together would be one of learning to love each other through the good times and the bad, but somehow I never expected the bad to be anything like this. Looking at the statistics for marriages that face challenges like ours, I realize that the marriages that survive are probably stronger. Their love stories are deeper than before. They are like many of the classical music pieces I've heard recently, layers of love like the layers of sound.
I think this is the reason I haven't been able to listen to and appreciate much of the music I loved before. My love story is changing. M and I have both been changed as individuals by the loss of our daughter, therefore, our love story must change to accommodate those changes. We are becoming a deeply layered piece of music with fast paced, joyful movements, slow, soft, melancholy movements, strings, woodwinds, horns. Layer upon layer of beautiful sound.
They say that having a baby is one of the most stressful events in a marriage, one that can either pull two people apart or can bond two people like never before. Even without her living, breathing presence, our daughter is bringing us closer together. One more gratitude in the midst of heartache.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Surprises (and Thank Yous)
I promise I haven't abandoned my blog even though it may seem that I did. Last week and weekend were incredibly busy with preparations for class and then two days of class over the weekend. My last weekend of class for the semester! This has not been an easy semester, and I'm grateful it's over.
Over the last seven weeks (has it really been seven weeks!), I've received several much appreciated gifts to help me remember Faith that I want to share. I wear most of them every day so if you see me face to face I hope this blog helps to explain my new bling. While I am definitely not the girly-est of girls, I do enjoy jewelry, but I'm not sure that I've ever worn quite as much as I have in recent weeks. So, here's the story behind some wonderful surprises and a few thank yous to the special people who gave me these gifts!
One week after giving birth I was getting quite stir crazy sitting in the house, but I was under doctors' orders to take it easy. In my desperation to get out, M and I ran a few easy errands including a couple hours at his school where I helped him with grading and filing. One of our errands took us to a local jewelry store to look at opal rings. We were expecting Faith to share her birthstone with her daddy, but in fact she shares mine as well. We looked at a number of rings, but I decided I wasn't ready to purchase any of them. On Halloween, M surprised me with one of the rings we had looked at and I had decided I wanted. He also surprised me with a pair of tiny, delicate opal earrings.
Over the last seven weeks (has it really been seven weeks!), I've received several much appreciated gifts to help me remember Faith that I want to share. I wear most of them every day so if you see me face to face I hope this blog helps to explain my new bling. While I am definitely not the girly-est of girls, I do enjoy jewelry, but I'm not sure that I've ever worn quite as much as I have in recent weeks. So, here's the story behind some wonderful surprises and a few thank yous to the special people who gave me these gifts!
One week after giving birth I was getting quite stir crazy sitting in the house, but I was under doctors' orders to take it easy. In my desperation to get out, M and I ran a few easy errands including a couple hours at his school where I helped him with grading and filing. One of our errands took us to a local jewelry store to look at opal rings. We were expecting Faith to share her birthstone with her daddy, but in fact she shares mine as well. We looked at a number of rings, but I decided I wasn't ready to purchase any of them. On Halloween, M surprised me with one of the rings we had looked at and I had decided I wanted. He also surprised me with a pair of tiny, delicate opal earrings.
(Three stones, one for each of us!)
I've worn both of these every day since M gave them to me. They help me feel connected to my daughter. They remind me that I am her mother even if I don't get to raise her, that she is part of me always.
A couple weeks later a wonderful friend surprised me with these:
They are fertility bracelets made by a couple of friends who each experienced a miscarriage. The stones are supposed to help you conceive. I'm not sure that I fully believe that the stones can do what I'm told they will, but I do fully believe in the power of positive thinking. These bracelets are a reminder to me of the reason my daughter's name is Faith. Her name is Faith because we have faith that our journey together is not over, that we will one day be able to see her healthy and whole in heaven. Her name is Faith also because we have faith that one day we will tell her story to her siblings.
Last week in the midst of my stressful class preparations, this arrived in the mail from one of my aunts:
The amethyst would have been Faith's birthstone had she been born as we planned. In so many ways, my daughter has two birthstones, something none of us have achieved! This wonderful aunt spent (and sometimes still spends) countless hours giving my cousins and I makeovers and manicures. I know she would have done the same for my daughter! She also lost her father just a few days before we lost Faith. Aunt K, I can't tell you how comforting it is to me to think of all the wonderful people who join my baby in heaven. She has such amazing company!
I have also been so inspired by some of the cards and emails we've received. The card all of the youth in my youth group at church signed is one of my favorites! You guys are the best! Spending time laughing and smiling with you each week makes all of this loss and grieving stuff so much easier! I also have to send a shout out to my best friends from college! Don't know what I'd do without you girls! H, your email yesterday came at just the right time and I'll be sending one back shortly!
All of this is really just my attempt at a huge, general "thank you" to all of you who have been support me during this time! Even when I hurt, I know I am blessed. You are my best blessings, so thank you!
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