Dear N,
Your first Mother's Day was a big day for all of us. It was not only your first Mother's Day, but it was also your dedication at church, the day that we as parents commit to raise you to know and love Jesus and when the congregation commits to helping and supporting all of us as we do that. It was a wonderful day, a day to celebrate the gift that you are to us and be reminded of the privilege and responsibility it is to be your parents and raise you.
After spending years looking forward to celebrating the dedication of our child, I was ready for the day to be spectacular, joyful, and it was! But, I was unprepared for just how bittersweet it would also be. Standing on the stage with you and Daddy and the other families whose children were being dedicated, I suddenly realized that every milestone we celebrate with you will mark a milestone we didn't get to celebrate with your sister, a milestone which she is not here celebrating with us. Every birthday of your life, your first day of school, your graduations, your baptism, wedding, children (should you choose these things for your life), I will cry. They will be tears of joy for the momentous occasions in your life and tears of sadness for the missing member of our family.
I promise today to make sure that you grow up knowing all about the sister you never met, knowing that my tears are not to be feared or a sign of my displeasure or my unhappiness. Because as much as I wish we could have celebrated these moments in your sister's life and celebrated the ones in yours with her, I realize that you would not be here if Faith was here. In and ideal world, you would both be here, but in the real world in which we live there is physically no possible way for that to be. I will never for a second regret that you are here and your sister is not, and I will tell you that every time we talk about Faith. I will always have a hole in my life and heart that only your sister can fill, but your smiles and hugs remind me that that hole is only part of the whole. There is a space in my life and heart that is uniquely yours which only you can fill and each day that I spend with you that space is filled with overflowing love for you.
So I apologize to you now for the weepy mother I will be throughout all the important moments of your life. I will try to help you understand my tears, and I will use them as an opportunity to teach you about empathy. I will use them to teach you about grief and loss and brokenness, that no matter how many bad days there are the good ones are worth all the bad ones, that by relying on God through the brokenness of life will help us grieve gracefully, that family and friends will give you the love and support to see you through anything tat comes in life.
I love you always,
Mom
