Not sure there are words, but hopefully, we can all find a chuckle!

I just visited Yahoo! after finishing my preparations to teach catechism this evening, and I found this article:

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/karla-vanessa-perez-pregnant-nine-babies-unreal-195800350.html

Hopefully, you can take a look at the article, but the long and the short of it is that there's a woman in Mexico who is pregnant with nine babies. Nine babies! Uncool on so many levels! In the article, she asks for financial support. Her husband is a tire fitter and doesn't make much money, but somehow they thought it would be wise to have nine babies in addition to having one singleton and a set of triplets. And...they live with his parents!

I was so flabbergasted reading this article that I decided to scroll down to the comments. Most of the comments were about her plea for financial help. One comment really tickled my funny bone. I hope it does yours as well. Commenter Joe says, "A uterus should not be used as a clown car."

I so needed this reminder after reading the article. It diffused my anger and reminded me that I can only control my own reproductive choices. I still pray I never encounter any of these parents of "mega-multiples." I'm pretty sure "Love your neighbor" would be sorely tested!

Surprises and Panic

M says our doctors appointment today took two years off of his life, so let me start this post by saying that Baby Graber is fine! Keep that in mind as you read...

This morning as I was eating breakfast I felt what I'm 95% certain was a good, solid kick. Boy, was I surprised! I realize that I am only thirteen weeks pregnant, but according to all the baby sites, it's entirely possible to feel one's baby move this early especially if it's not your first pregnancy. At my appointment this afternoon, the nurse practitioner confirmed that there's a good chance what I felt was definitely Baby Graber making his/her presence known. I was feeling pretty good going into today's heartbeat check at the doctor's office. This was supposed to be our first visit checking the heartbeat with only the heart rate monitor, and I was sure all would go as planned.

I had a couple errands to run before going to my appointment this afternoon, and I arrived at the office to meet M with what felt like the lowest anxiety level I've had at an appointment so far. The appointment started off great all through the usual OB appointment stuff...until we got to the point of listening to the heartbeat. There were a couple thumps that sounded like they might have been movement, but no heartbeat! The nurse practitioner didn't waste much time and went almost immediately to check to see if the sonogram room was available. It was not. She said as much as she'd like to be rude and kick whoever was in the room out, she wasn't going to do that and we should try to sit tight. After you have a late pregnancy loss, you automatically get special treatment at the OB's office like worried doctors and nurses wanting to hurry routine appointments up so you don't have time to panic.

We waited for a few minutes trying to keep our anxiety at a reasonable level, and soon the room was ready. I got settled on the table, and it quickly became clear in a flurry of busy little arms and legs why we were having trouble getting a heartbeat, lots of swimming and wiggling. We even got a little wave! Such cute, tiny fingers! As best we can tell given that Baby Graber would not settle down enough to get a clear picture, he/she is measuring exactly on track! Wiggly baby pictures are all we get right now, and it's hard to see much on them besides blurry fuzz. This is one from last week since none of the ones we got this week look much like a person!

I'm pretty sure we can't handle too many more visits like today's, but the nurse practitioner reminded me that having a baby this active is a good sign. Mostly, I've been reminded not to take anything for granted, that I am justified in having high anxiety with this pregnancy, that I am so grateful that there are so many folks at our doctor's office who are incredibly sensitive to all the intense emotions we are feeling with this second pregnancy. As always prayers are appreciated, and we certainly hope that Baby Graber's tendencies to want to give Mommy and Daddy a heart attack are not an indicator that we need to be prepared for anxiety ridden teenage years!!

Feeling Fortunate

Not only is my house standing without any damage, my flowers in the backyard show absolutely no signs of the destruction that so many families in our region are facing today. We are fortunate enough to be in a pocket that sustained absolutely no damage from the storms, wind, and tornadoes that furiously made their way through Oklahoma and Kansas yesterday. Not everyone was so lucky. Oklahoma was hit worse than Kansas, but parts of Kansas were hit quite hard as well, including parts of Wichita, thirty-five minutes south of us. A couple families from our church also had close calls and damage to their houses as well a plenty of branches and debris outside.

It was a bit strange to watch the storm coverage last night, see storms with scary rotation on the radar, hear them mentioning local towns and encouraging residents to take cover, and worry for all the folks I care about who were right in the path of tornadoes. I have long thought that living in an area where tornadoes are a real threat feels more sensible than living in an area that suffers from earthquakes or other types of natural disasters. Generally, there's a warning of a tornado's arrival and time to get to safety, time to prepare. I still feel that way. Natural disasters happen and are unavoidable, like many things that cause loss in life, and with tornadoes often the loss of life can be minimized. But, I have also realized that I don't dread the loss of my life the way I did before losing my daughter.

There is someone waiting for me on the other side, someone I can't wait to meet. I have always looked forward to meeting my Savior, but there's something even more personal and joyful for me about wanting to meet my daughter. In a sense, I have a longing for heaven that I didn't have before. It's a reminder of the hope I have in Jesus and the resurrection, that without Jesus, I wouldn't be able to look forward to death with hope. Don't get me wrong! I have no desire to hasten my own arrival in heaven. I just don't look at my life, at all that I might leave behind, and think that the things I would leave behind far outweigh the benefits of heaven. Somehow knowing that Faith is waiting for me evens it all out.

Yesterday as I was listening to storm predictions, I wasn't afraid of losing my life, but I was still a bit terrified. What if I was injured by a tornado and my injuries caused me to miscarry? There are no guarantees with pregnancy. I have learned that lesson. I worry every day about losing this baby. I worry that I'm not bonding with this baby the way I should because I want to protect myself from the pain of another loss. I worry that I'm already so bonded with this baby that losing him or her would be extremely devastating. Thursday of last week marked the beginning of the second trimester. We have a long way to go, but we have reached an important milestone. The worry doesn't go away, but continuing my weekly appointment seems to be helping. We are so fortunate to have a doctor, a team of doctors, who understand our anxiety and are more than willing to do everything they can to lessen our worry.

So, today I am feeling grateful and fortunate. I have faced loss and I recognize that this time I have been spared. My bubble of protection is very transparent, and I can clearly see just how blessed I am. I will not take that protection for granted. I will do everything in my power to appreciate and enjoy my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, my home, even the flowers in my yard.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord, and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good; happy are those who take refuge in him."

Psalm 34:1-8

Still having to explain...

I had a dentist appointment today. I've been pondering this appointment for a week or so. The last time I was at the dentist was the beginning of October, and I joyfully explained that I would prefer not to have my teeth x-rayed because I was four months pregnant. The entire time I was there the hygienist wanted to talk to me about how excited I was and tell me all about her grandkids.

Since I generally have pretty good teeth (or beautiful, clean teeth as they tell me at the dentist. Do they say that to everyone?), I haven't been back to the dentist. I have been preparing myself to once again, five months after losing my daughter, explain that my baby didn't arrive as expected in February. Not only did we lose our baby, but I still can't have x-rays because I'm pregnant again. I realize that this is a good thing, but it ended up leading to a rather unusual appointment.

My regular hygienist was out today. She cut her thumb and was having it treated for a bad infection. The hygienist I saw today I've never seen before. She was in her late forties and very nice. When I explained about our loss, she ended up telling me her stories of baby loss. She and her husband have one daughter, an eight year old, and have had several miscarriages because she was forty when they started trying. After her daughter was born, she lost four more babies, fraternal twins and then conjoined twins, all in the first trimester. It's amazing how free people feel to share when they know you'll understand their loss. She hardly had any work to do on my teeth, but I was still there for quite a while.

Some days I can share my story and talk about Faith without crying, but the new pregnancy hormones have definitely added to my need to cry. I am happy to say that I not only made it through my appointment without crying, I also managed to keep my gag reflex in check despite feeling quite nauseous the whole time! I haven't, however, figured out how to control my mood very well. Mood swings were not a huge part of my first pregnancy, but apparently they're part of this one. I'm sure it has a lot to do with emotions that were already closer to the surface before I got pregnant, trying to manage my anxiety, and, of course, crazy hormones! I am so grateful for this baby and this pregnancy, but I do understand why doctors say that couples may not be emotionally ready to deal with a second pregnancy this close to a late pregnancy loss. Morning sickness, anxiety, hormones, oh my!

Joy and Trepidation and a Plea for Prayers

I've been weighing how to formulate this post for the last few days. At first I thought I'd write something cutsie, but to be honest that feels a bit forced and disingenuous. There are simply too many emotions involved in this particular post.

We are expecting again. We found out on Valentine's Day. A significant part of the lack of posts over the last month is directly related to exhaustion and morning (or all day in my case) sickness. Today I am ten weeks and four days pregnant, and we are due sometime around October 24. October 24 is three days after Faith's birthday. I'm struggling a bit with how to feel about that.

I was expecting a lot of anxiety would plague me throughout my second pregnancy and that's certainly been the case. I've had four ultrasounds already, one each week since seven weeks, and each one has gone extremely well. Last Wednesday's ultrasound showed a very wiggly little baby. I am grateful for the extra ultrasounds because after I have one my anxiety is drastically decreased. At the same time, the two days leading up to each ultrasound are extremely nerve wracking. I keep expecting to hear that there's no heartbeat. And that could still happen! But, I'm doing my best to think positive thoughts and begin planning for the arrival of this baby.

Being able to share this news with you is both liberating and a bit bittersweet. I have felt supported by and welcomed into a community of other mothers who have experienced similar losses to ours, and I hurt knowing that for many of them their journey toward parenthood continues to be filled with loss. I see Facebook posts and blog updates from other mothers (and some fathers) who have never experienced the loss of a child, and I find their ability to plan without anxiety or fear of loss makes me angry and seems naive and a little insensitive to the multitude of women with empty arms. I long to find sensitive and genuine ways to hold in tension my sadness and loss and my joy and excitement for this new baby. I'm not there yet, and I hope you'll bear with me as I try over the next weeks to figure out how to balance these elements on my blog.

I also hope that you'll not only stick with me as this blog transforms, but that you'll be in prayer for us as M and I continue to wade our way through an abundance of worry. Pray that this baby will continue developing normally, continue to be a wiggler (to be honest, no matter how much sleep this might cause me to lose, the wiggling will, I'm sure, be reassuring!), stay healthy, and arrive full term! Pray that M and I will have moments of peace and calm and not just anxiety, that we'll be able to embrace the joy of this new life well before he or she actually arrives, and that the next six months will be as drama free as we need to be able to relax at some point in this pregnancy. And thanks, in advance, for your prayers. I'm quite sure we wouldn't be even this far into pregnancy number two without the support and prayers of so many, many people!

For your viewing pleasure, one of the many pictures we've brought home from ultrasound appointments. Introducing Baby Graber, with prayers that he or she arrives healthy in October 2012!