Joy and Trepidation and a Plea for Prayers

I've been weighing how to formulate this post for the last few days. At first I thought I'd write something cutsie, but to be honest that feels a bit forced and disingenuous. There are simply too many emotions involved in this particular post.

We are expecting again. We found out on Valentine's Day. A significant part of the lack of posts over the last month is directly related to exhaustion and morning (or all day in my case) sickness. Today I am ten weeks and four days pregnant, and we are due sometime around October 24. October 24 is three days after Faith's birthday. I'm struggling a bit with how to feel about that.

I was expecting a lot of anxiety would plague me throughout my second pregnancy and that's certainly been the case. I've had four ultrasounds already, one each week since seven weeks, and each one has gone extremely well. Last Wednesday's ultrasound showed a very wiggly little baby. I am grateful for the extra ultrasounds because after I have one my anxiety is drastically decreased. At the same time, the two days leading up to each ultrasound are extremely nerve wracking. I keep expecting to hear that there's no heartbeat. And that could still happen! But, I'm doing my best to think positive thoughts and begin planning for the arrival of this baby.

Being able to share this news with you is both liberating and a bit bittersweet. I have felt supported by and welcomed into a community of other mothers who have experienced similar losses to ours, and I hurt knowing that for many of them their journey toward parenthood continues to be filled with loss. I see Facebook posts and blog updates from other mothers (and some fathers) who have never experienced the loss of a child, and I find their ability to plan without anxiety or fear of loss makes me angry and seems naive and a little insensitive to the multitude of women with empty arms. I long to find sensitive and genuine ways to hold in tension my sadness and loss and my joy and excitement for this new baby. I'm not there yet, and I hope you'll bear with me as I try over the next weeks to figure out how to balance these elements on my blog.

I also hope that you'll not only stick with me as this blog transforms, but that you'll be in prayer for us as M and I continue to wade our way through an abundance of worry. Pray that this baby will continue developing normally, continue to be a wiggler (to be honest, no matter how much sleep this might cause me to lose, the wiggling will, I'm sure, be reassuring!), stay healthy, and arrive full term! Pray that M and I will have moments of peace and calm and not just anxiety, that we'll be able to embrace the joy of this new life well before he or she actually arrives, and that the next six months will be as drama free as we need to be able to relax at some point in this pregnancy. And thanks, in advance, for your prayers. I'm quite sure we wouldn't be even this far into pregnancy number two without the support and prayers of so many, many people!

For your viewing pleasure, one of the many pictures we've brought home from ultrasound appointments. Introducing Baby Graber, with prayers that he or she arrives healthy in October 2012!