It was a bit strange to watch the storm coverage last night, see storms with scary rotation on the radar, hear them mentioning local towns and encouraging residents to take cover, and worry for all the folks I care about who were right in the path of tornadoes. I have long thought that living in an area where tornadoes are a real threat feels more sensible than living in an area that suffers from earthquakes or other types of natural disasters. Generally, there's a warning of a tornado's arrival and time to get to safety, time to prepare. I still feel that way. Natural disasters happen and are unavoidable, like many things that cause loss in life, and with tornadoes often the loss of life can be minimized. But, I have also realized that I don't dread the loss of my life the way I did before losing my daughter.
There is someone waiting for me on the other side, someone I can't wait to meet. I have always looked forward to meeting my Savior, but there's something even more personal and joyful for me about wanting to meet my daughter. In a sense, I have a longing for heaven that I didn't have before. It's a reminder of the hope I have in Jesus and the resurrection, that without Jesus, I wouldn't be able to look forward to death with hope. Don't get me wrong! I have no desire to hasten my own arrival in heaven. I just don't look at my life, at all that I might leave behind, and think that the things I would leave behind far outweigh the benefits of heaven. Somehow knowing that Faith is waiting for me evens it all out.
Yesterday as I was listening to storm predictions, I wasn't afraid of losing my life, but I was still a bit terrified. What if I was injured by a tornado and my injuries caused me to miscarry? There are no guarantees with pregnancy. I have learned that lesson. I worry every day about losing this baby. I worry that I'm not bonding with this baby the way I should because I want to protect myself from the pain of another loss. I worry that I'm already so bonded with this baby that losing him or her would be extremely devastating. Thursday of last week marked the beginning of the second trimester. We have a long way to go, but we have reached an important milestone. The worry doesn't go away, but continuing my weekly appointment seems to be helping. We are so fortunate to have a doctor, a team of doctors, who understand our anxiety and are more than willing to do everything they can to lessen our worry.
So, today I am feeling grateful and fortunate. I have faced loss and I recognize that this time I have been spared. My bubble of protection is very transparent, and I can clearly see just how blessed I am. I will not take that protection for granted. I will do everything in my power to appreciate and enjoy my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, my home, even the flowers in my yard.
"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord, and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good; happy are those who take refuge in him."
Psalm 34:1-8
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