Some days I just want to whine...

Bear in mind that I'm writing this post after a night of much interrupted sleep. Baby Graber was quite active all during the day yesterday, and I went to bed knowing that there was a good chance he'd be just as busy overnight. I was right. At right around four pounds, he's strong enough to wake me even from the deepest sleep with a few well placed punches and kicks. I've been feeling rather crowded on the right side for a few weeks now and the doctor said on Wednesday the likely cause is the baby pushing my liver into my ribs. I'm pretty sure he likes to park one of his little feet right there and stretch that leg at the most inconvenient times! So there you have whine number one. I'm tired. I'm so tired of tired.

Whine number two: I'm tired of wearing the same clothes day after day. My wardrobe included non-maternity items that were fuller through the middle up until this week. That gave me a broader choice of clothing items. If I want to be able to wear any of these items ever again (without wearing them stretched completely out of shape), it's time to take them out of my rotation. This leaves me with (at best) one top per day of the week for the remainder of the pregnancy. Once Baby Graber arrives, I will gladly box up these items immediately after returning home. There are only so many times I can wear the same shirt before it relegates itself to the "dislike" side of the closet. Given that I have a limited number of weeks left in the pregnancy, however, I cannot justify adding any new items to my wardrobe so same old shirt day after day it is. (I've also discovered that some shirts do not make it through an entire day any more. Yesterday's shirt was apparently worn for many hours without me realizing that lunch had splattered on the lower portion of my belly. I couldn't see it. If you see me wearing a soiled shirt in the next few weeks and it looks like the location of the stain might be where I can't see it, feel free to let me know. I would prefer the momentary embarrassment of being told my clothes are dirty to the realization at bedtime that I've been out and about in dirty clothes for hours!)

Whine number three: My fingers have started to swell a little. When my body temperature is up (summer time, while exercising, etc.), my fingers tend to look (and feel) like sausages even when I'm not pregnant. Pregnancy means growing your own little internal furnace. Your body temperature is always up. While it's not a new feeling to have swollen fingers, it is the first time I've been afraid that at some point I may not be able to remove my wedding and engagement rings. Wednesday night I took them off for bed hoping that by morning I would be able to wear them comfortably again, but that was not the case. I think they are off for the foreseeable future. It seems wise to make the decision while I still can rather than face the daunting and possibly painful task of removing them later. As a long time ring lover, I have quite a stash of rings that do fit and I was able to find a plain silver band to wear so that my left ring finger doesn't feel quite so naked, but I am rather attached to those rings and this decision felt like a particularly sad one. I realize they are only a symbol, but my engagement ring has rarely come off in the three and a half years I've had it and my wedding band has come off even less frequently in the three years since our wedding.

As the count of weeks pregnant is now officially at 52 (21 weeks pregnant, almost 13 not pregnant, and 31 weeks pregnant), there are many other things I could whine about, but for today, these three are the big ones. I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm becoming increasingly impatient to officially meet this little boy I've been sharing my body with for the past seven (nearly eight) months. If we make it to my due date, I will probably sit in the exam room at the doctor's office crying until they agree to induce. October 25 is a long way away. Thirty-seven weeks (full term) is October 4. I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to get the show on the road anytime starting October 4. I may even be looking for tips on starting labor, so if you've got any stashed away, hang on to them for a few weeks. I may be asking for them!

Chubby Cheeks and Growing Strong

Just wanted to add a quick update. We've had our more detailed ultrasound this afternoon and everything looks good. Baby Graber weighs about 3 pounds 15 ounces and is in the 63rd percentile. He won't be a small baby, but probably not overwhelmingly huge either. His measurements are all still looking good and there don't seem to be any signs that we should be concerned. For your viewing pleasure, here's a quick look at his face. Notice the chubby cheeks?

Thirty weeks...the countdown begins

If Baby Graber arrives exactly on his due date, today marks the beginning of the fourth quarter of this pregnancy. I'm sure there are a plethora of fun sports analogies I could draw from for these last weeks, but my pregnancy addled brain just can't seem to get there. If you have any brilliant suggestions, I'm always open to hearing them! In the meantime, here are a few thoughts as we truly enter the homestretch.

Between my pregnancy with Faith and this pregnancy, I have now officially been pregnant for fifty-one weeks. I realize that the early weeks which get counted as part of pregnancy are not technically weeks that one is pregnant, but if one is trying to become pregnant, food, behavior, medication, and other pregnancy related restrictions start well before one is able to find out that one is pregnant. That has been the case for me. This journey is feeling exceptionally long right now, and as I creep closer each day to having spent one full year 'pregnant,' I find myself very ready to transition into the next phase of active parenthood. I have been sharing my body with another human being, and now I am ready to have it back. I have officially started to countdown in single digits the number of weeks I have left (today's count 9 weeks and six days - maybe a day or two less if I'm lucky).

A week or so ago, I began realizing how much we need to accomplish yet before Baby Graber arrives. We have no car seat. We have no mattress for the crib and no bassinet. We have some clothes, but I certainly feel like we need a few more to comfortably survive the first weeks and months. I started to feel overwhelmed by all of the details that we need to face in the next few weeks. Registering for childbirth classes helped some (we'll be spending a Friday evening and all day Saturday in September learning about the birthing process and caring for our new son). I think, however, in the last few days I have come to the conclusion that if the only item we manage to check off the list of tasks yet to be completed before Baby Graber arrives is purchasing a car seat so we can take him home from the hospital, it will be fine. I have somewhat let go of my need to have everything perfectly in order, and I have realized that this baby will be welcomed into the world by a loving family. That is so much more than many babies, and it's all he will need. The rest will take care of itself.

Whether or not our house is completely ready for baby, I feel like each day that goes by I feel more and more ready for his arrival. I have spent much of the last thirty weeks struggling mentally to trust my body to care for my son. I know for many women it's scary to think of caring for a baby outside one's body. It can feel safer for baby to just stay where he or she is, but for me, my body hasn't felt like a safe place for Baby Graber given my history. While I realize on a rational level that losing Faith was not my fault, it still feels to a certain extent like my body let us down. I don't want to carry that weight again. I am ready to share the responsibility for Baby Graber's care with M and our extended families. I would prefer that Baby Graber wait at least until he's full term to arrive, but I am very much ready for 'full term' to get here quickly.

At the same time, I've got plenty to keep me busy just preparing to take time off to give birth! I could use prayers for focus as I try to cover all my bases so that my work can continue on without me. It's difficult to plan to be gone when Baby Graber's arrival will be dictated by him alone. I like to have a plan. I like to know the schedule. I have to let go of that and plan as though I may or may not be present for each Sunday and each Wednesday night at church. Somehow it's harder to let go of knowing when Baby Graber will arrive than it is to let go of having everything perfect for his arrival. So, I guess it's not just prayers for focus that I need, but also prayers for the ability to let go. May these next weeks be focused. May I accomplish all that absolutely must be accomplished, let go of all that is unnecessary, and may I have clarity to know the difference. And, may Baby Graber continue to grow and kick and enter this world as a healthy, happy, loved new little life.

Relearning Gratitude

Over the last few weeks, I think I've been relearning gratitude. It's been nine months, nearly ten, since we lost Faith and over those months I've continued to be grateful for both small things and large things. I've never lost my ability to be grateful, but I think I've lost my ability to trust in the things for which I'm grateful. This probably sounds a little confusing, so let me explain.

This story needs to start back a couple of years, so if you know me and my family well, please bear with me while I rehash some history. Two and a half years ago, my parents moved from Kansas, where they had lived for three and a half years, to Baltimore, Maryland. My father had accepted a pastorate in Baltimore, so they relocated. My mother has been an elementary school teacher for most of my life, and when she left Kansas we had no idea that it would be such a struggle for her to find a teaching job in Maryland. She has been without work for the entire time they've been in Maryland, and it has been a difficult journey for our whole family of watching her fill out application after application and attend interview after interview only to find out that every school and every district has decided to hire someone else.

The week of our wedding anniversary (and since we got married on my mom's birthday, the week of her birthday as well!) my mom was in conversations with two schools. Over the course of the week, she had three interviews and one teaching demonstration with second graders. It was a full week, and after the past two years, we were all hoping very cautiously that she might finally get a job. Not only did she get a job, but both schools ended up offering her positions and she was able to choose the one she wanted!! It was one of those moments where you can clearly see God's sense of humor at work. I have to give a lot of credit to my father and my brother for helping her through this process, but especially to my brother who quizzed her on interview questions and spent much of his free time driving her to interviews over the last few months to keep her calm going into each interview! I also have to offer a huge "Thank you!!" to all of the folks who have been praying so hard for this to finally happen. It's amazing to me that prayers were coming from all over the country, and it truly made a difference!

A huge weight was lifted for all of us, but I think for me there was also a huge realization that I have become unable to simply accept the blessings that come without waiting for something bad to happen. I couldn't fully experience gratitude because I was waiting for some unknown (but much to be feared) event to pull me back to a negative place. For my gratitude to be genuine, I needed to be able to let go of my fears and simply appreciate the blessing in front of me. I discovered that it's possible to be grateful without experiencing gratitude. It's a question of degrees. I don't want to just be grateful for my life. I want to live a life of gratitude, of gratefulness in all things and all circumstances, of trust that my life will be blessed and that God wants the best for me.

So here are a few of the things for which I am grateful that are helping me relearn gratitude and trust in my blessings:

• Air conditioning! It's summer in Kansas, and I'm carrying a personal heater in my belly. We've been fortunate enough to have a couple cooler evenings recently, but I'm still hot. If you really want to help me relearn my gratitude even faster, feel free to pray for rain and an early fall. As long as winter waits to get here until after we need to make a run to the hospital for labor and delivery, I'd even be grateful for a very snowy, cold winter!
• The snowball effect. My mom's new job hasn't officially started yet (she has her first day of new teacher type stuff tomorrow!), but I can already see the abundance of blessings that are coming her way because she has a job. I am grateful for better health insurance and the added security that my mom's income brings to my parents. I am grateful for a meaningful way for my mom to spend her days. She's always been a better mom because she has worked and because she enjoys her work. I'm sure she'll be a better grandmother because she's fulfilled in this area of her life.
• I know this may sound really silly, but I'm grateful for ice! My father-in-law and M hooked up the ice maker that came with our refrigerator when we purchased it. I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to fill my cup with icy water on hot days! But, I guess what I'm most grateful for (and of which the ice maker is an example) is having such a great support system that are willing to help us get prepared for our son. Friends and family that are supplying all sorts of great baby items and help us get our house ready for baby, it really does take a village even before the baby gets here!
• Of course I can't forget the BIG one! I am grateful every day for a healthy baby. We've made it to the third trimester (29 weeks, tomorrow!) and so far so good. M started his new job on Monday, so he couldn't come to my appointment this morning. My mother-in-law came along and in honor of her visit, my doctor offered to do an in-office ultrasound. This was my first ultrasound since week 18, and it was amazing to see our son again after so many weeks! He's definitely growing, wiggling like crazy and as of right now in the correct position (head down). I have to admit it was a bit scary and shocking to see how large his head already looks! Best guess by my doctor is he's between 2.5 and 3 pounds, and he looks to be right on track. After looking today, she decided that it's time to get another round of measurements just to be absolutely certain his growth is on track, but everything looks good to her. M and I will have another sonogram on the big machine in two weeks to take some more accurate measurements, but that's just a precaution after last time. It seems like this pregnancy is completely normal. I've never been so grateful for being ordinary in my life! There are some times when being unique is not just overrated, it's a really big pain! Oh, and we're definitely having a boy! Not that there was any doubt after the last sono, but Baby Graber confirmed it again today.

All things considered, I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for right now, but I do need to relearn how to live in gratitude for those things again rather than wait for the other shoe to drop. I think I'm finally on the right track, but it's taking some time. Your continued thoughts and prayers are always appreciated and give me hope that I will continue relearning gratitude.