Between my pregnancy with Faith and this pregnancy, I have now officially been pregnant for fifty-one weeks. I realize that the early weeks which get counted as part of pregnancy are not technically weeks that one is pregnant, but if one is trying to become pregnant, food, behavior, medication, and other pregnancy related restrictions start well before one is able to find out that one is pregnant. That has been the case for me. This journey is feeling exceptionally long right now, and as I creep closer each day to having spent one full year 'pregnant,' I find myself very ready to transition into the next phase of active parenthood. I have been sharing my body with another human being, and now I am ready to have it back. I have officially started to countdown in single digits the number of weeks I have left (today's count 9 weeks and six days - maybe a day or two less if I'm lucky).
A week or so ago, I began realizing how much we need to accomplish yet before Baby Graber arrives. We have no car seat. We have no mattress for the crib and no bassinet. We have some clothes, but I certainly feel like we need a few more to comfortably survive the first weeks and months. I started to feel overwhelmed by all of the details that we need to face in the next few weeks. Registering for childbirth classes helped some (we'll be spending a Friday evening and all day Saturday in September learning about the birthing process and caring for our new son). I think, however, in the last few days I have come to the conclusion that if the only item we manage to check off the list of tasks yet to be completed before Baby Graber arrives is purchasing a car seat so we can take him home from the hospital, it will be fine. I have somewhat let go of my need to have everything perfectly in order, and I have realized that this baby will be welcomed into the world by a loving family. That is so much more than many babies, and it's all he will need. The rest will take care of itself.
Whether or not our house is completely ready for baby, I feel like each day that goes by I feel more and more ready for his arrival. I have spent much of the last thirty weeks struggling mentally to trust my body to care for my son. I know for many women it's scary to think of caring for a baby outside one's body. It can feel safer for baby to just stay where he or she is, but for me, my body hasn't felt like a safe place for Baby Graber given my history. While I realize on a rational level that losing Faith was not my fault, it still feels to a certain extent like my body let us down. I don't want to carry that weight again. I am ready to share the responsibility for Baby Graber's care with M and our extended families. I would prefer that Baby Graber wait at least until he's full term to arrive, but I am very much ready for 'full term' to get here quickly.
At the same time, I've got plenty to keep me busy just preparing to take time off to give birth! I could use prayers for focus as I try to cover all my bases so that my work can continue on without me. It's difficult to plan to be gone when Baby Graber's arrival will be dictated by him alone. I like to have a plan. I like to know the schedule. I have to let go of that and plan as though I may or may not be present for each Sunday and each Wednesday night at church. Somehow it's harder to let go of knowing when Baby Graber will arrive than it is to let go of having everything perfect for his arrival. So, I guess it's not just prayers for focus that I need, but also prayers for the ability to let go. May these next weeks be focused. May I accomplish all that absolutely must be accomplished, let go of all that is unnecessary, and may I have clarity to know the difference. And, may Baby Graber continue to grow and kick and enter this world as a healthy, happy, loved new little life.
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