All through my pregnancy, M reminded me that pregnancy had caused me to lose my filter. I had (and maybe still have) a tendency to provide way too much information. I might be about to do that again, but I think these are things that need to be shared.
Yesterday, N and I made a trip back to my doctor. Between the c-section, lack of sleep, trouble breastfeeding, and general adjustment to life with baby, my emotional state has been completely out of wack. I decided to get some help before things got any worse. I have officially been diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD). Two pregnancies in less than a year and a half, the loss of a baby, and a family history of anxiety and depression, put me in a high risk category for PPD. I was warned by a number of doctors and nurses leading up to delivery, and we were watching closely to make sure I got help early if I needed it. I do.
In addition to getting help getting my emotions back on more positive footing, we have decided at the suggestion of my doctor and N's doctor to let go of breastfeeding. This has not been an easy decision. I fully expected to breastfeed N for at least the first full year, but it just isn't worth fighting him over it anymore. Neither one of us need the additional stress right now, and in order to be sure I that I am able to be the best mom possible, this is something I need to let go. I plan to continue pumping either as long as I am able to or until I'm ready to let that go as well, so N will continue to get some breast milk, but this was certainly not the plan from the start.
My doctor said yesterday that I need to allow myself time to grieve the loss of my plans. I've always been a planner. I like knowing that I have a plan for every situation. I will have entire conversations in my head so that I can be prepared for whatever comes up and have a plan for what I will say if the conversation goes this way or that way. I had a plan for welcoming N into the world, a plan for bringing him home, a plan for the first weeks of his life and beyond. I was not planning on having a c-section (but my doctor reminded me yesterday that I really did do everything I could to avoid the c-section). I was not planning on bottle feeding or having to supplement with formula. I was not planning on needing extra recovery time or fighting PPD. I have to allow myself time to grieve the loss of these plans in order to move on and embrace my new reality.
N is perfect. He is healthy and strong. He cries when he's hungry or needs to be changed, but he's quiet otherwise. He's a great baby, and I am blessed. But, I still need to allow myself time to adjust my expectations to my reality, to get emotionally healthy again, and I could use some prayers as I do.
It is so hard to readjust when you expected things to go so differently. I know what it's like to go through PPD, to be on an emotional roller coaster, to be so tired all the time. It's not an easy thing to share, but I'm glad you were willing to so that we can be praying for you.
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