Wonderings...

There should be a word for the thoughts that keep you awake at night. You know the ones, those thoughts that circle around in your head night after night which aren't quite worries, only questions, ideas for which there are no answers.

Lately, I've been wondering what February 28th is going to be like. That was my due date with Faith. I wonder how I'll be feeling, if the emotions of the early days of our loss will come back. I wonder if I'll be a mess or if I'll hold it together. Even though I know that grief is different for everyone, I wonder if grieving too much or too little on the day is healthy.

There are some days when it feels like this was always the way things were supposed to turn out. There are just times when I almost can't imagine what my life would be like right now, the way it should be, just weeks from welcoming our baby. For the first couple of months, there were all these milestones and expectations. The closer we get to my due date and what should have been the arrival of our baby the more I can't picture anymore the way things should be right now. I'm sure that doesn't make as much sense as it does in my head.

The events that should have been milestones the last month or so are things I was dreading doing 8 or more months pregnant. I think I was avoiding thinking about them. I knew I wouldn't have much energy during these weeks. I really needed energy. These have been busy weeks. I have been exhausted and overwhelmed without being 8 months pregnant. As much as I wish I were tired and complaining of sore, swollen feet, I can recognize how much easier these weeks have been than they would have been.

So, just like my thoughts at night (and night after night) are circular, I'm back to wondering what the next three weeks will be like and what I should think, say, do, feel on February 28. If you come up with a good word for these thoughts that aren't quite worries but are still nagging thoughts, let me know. I think we need a word for thoughts like these.

And say a prayer for my friend, RH, who just said goodbye to her second baby. She needs lots of love and prayers right now...