In case you haven't noticed, I've been having some trouble finding words over the last couple of weeks. I've started so many blog posts, it's ridiculous! Somehow everything I've tried to write has come out wrong or at least incomplete. So here it goes. I'm going to be painfully honest.
It's been two months since we lost Faith. This hasn't been the easiest week. Between preparing for Christmas and a trip to the doctor's office for some blood work, I've been overwhelmed with emotions. On Monday, I spent more than 45 minutes waiting to have a simple blood draw at the doctors office. I watched six pregnant women come and go during that time. More than one had her cigarettes out so that she could light up the second she got to her car. I'm not sure which made me more angry watching those women casually extract their cigarettes from their pockets or the fact that my doctors office made me wait so long for something that took less than five minutes watching those women treat their babies with such a lack of care. I just know that it set me back a couple months in terms of my own grieving process by reminding me again of just how unfair life can be!
Christmas is in three days, and the closer it gets the more I want to run away. My parents are coming to visit for a week, and I'm very glad we'll get to see them, but I can't help but think that maybe having them come here wasn't the best plan. It seemed like it at the time. Now, I think that we might be better off all flying someplace warm where we can pretend it's summer vacation rather than Christmas. Hawaii would be good.
Christmas can be stressful enough with parties, family dinners, shopping, extra gatherings at church. All of these are good things, but the combination can make this time of year feel very full and busy. Even though I've felt some stress related to all the events of Christmas in past years, I've enjoyed each one. This year, however, I feel like I'm just trying to survive. I think I'll be grateful when January arrives and everyone goes back to working a normal schedule. I love my family and my husband and I know I should be grateful for time with them, but to be honest, I'm mostly reminded of what's not here, what's missing, of what I should be doing and feeling. I should be seven months pregnant. I should be planning to spend the time with my mom putting up decorations in the nursery and giving instruction on where I want the crib and the rocking chair to go. I should be feeling the joy of Christmas in the anticipation of waiting to meet my child. Instead, I'm just going through the motions of Christmas traditions without feeling the emotions of the holiday.
As much as I want this blog to be a place of hope, right now the best I can do is survival. We've been going back and forth about sending out a Christmas card this year, but I think I've decided against it. I hope you aren't offended that we won't be returning your cards, and I hope you won't be taking us off your list just because we don't send one. Last year we sent one with a picture of the two of us, but this year I can't handle the thought of taking a "family" picture without my pregnant belly or our daughter. I looked at store bought cards yesterday, but the messages of joy feel like a lie, and they don't make "Merry Christmas, pray for us to survive the holiday" cards. So consider this my Christmas card blessing. I hope you have more to celebrate this year than we do. I hope that you are looking forward to Christmas with all the anticipation the birth of Christ deserves. I hope you find joy in unexpected places, that your heart will overflow with gratitude, peace, and love. And, I hope you'll hold us in your prayers, that next year's Christmas will again be one of joy and hope.
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