I just made a huge decision that I hope I don't regret. I decided last night (and emailed my adviser to inform her five minutes ago) that I am taking spring semester off from my seminary courses. As you might have noticed from my lack of posts in the last couple of weeks, my life has been busy. The thing is, most of the stuff that has been causing me to be busy is wonderful and I love it! But, I came to the realization over the weekend that the idea of adding weekly classes, reading, papers, and such into the busyness was causing a significant amount of anxiety for me. Making the decision to take the semester off has given me a huge amount of relief and a small amount of anxiety that I will come to regret this.
With all that has happened over the last few months, I have come to the realization that I want to choose those things that I find life giving. Right now, school is not one of them. I enjoy taking seminary courses. I really do. I do not enjoy feeling like I am behind on a deadline, trying to catch up or find time to read, rushing through my reading or my paper writing because my time is just too full, or feeling stretched too thin. It has been three months since we lost Faith and I feel like I am finally starting to return to an emotionally healthy state. I can go more than one day without crying. I have energy to do the things I enjoy. I am finally feeling happy again. Not all the time, but at least some of the time I feel happy.
I also recognize just how fragile I still feel. Every time I do something I was planning to do pregnant, every time I think about my due date approaching and wonder how I will feel, I realize that I am not yet where I want to be. I am not where I was three months ago, but I still have a long way to go. So I am choosing to move forward. I am choosing to spend my time continuing to heal and doing those things that I find life giving. Things like giving my full energy to youth group events and teaching catechism class, to relaxing without feeling guilty that I am not working on school assignments, to having friends over to share a meal, to playing with my new sewing machine (yes, it's here!!), to spending time with my husband and my family, and to setting and achieving new goals and priorities.
I've think that I might want to remind myself in some tangible way of the choice I am making to claim life, so I've been debating a change in hair color. Just as my new red couch has brought cheer to my living room, I've been thinking about coloring my hair red or adding red highlights. J, if you're reading this, I have an appointment to have my haircut on Thursday. Let's talk about color! For everyone else, let me know what you think. Is it time to add even more color to my life? Other suggestions of tangible reminders that I am moving forward are always appreciated as well!
Even though we are nearly one month into the year 2012, I think I am finally starting to get into the spirit of and hope for the new year. Last night as we were talking about my decision to take a break from school, M asked me if "hope" is my word for the year. I realize that it's a bit ironic for someone named Hope to choose the word "hope" as her word for the year, but I guess I did without even realizing it. Here's to the year of hope! May we all find ways to embrace that which is life giving and let go of that which is not, and may we allow ourselves to trust that God is at work in the process of claiming and releasing and in all of life.
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