Saying Goodbye...

My grandpa was a wonderful man. From the time I was small, he found ways to bridge the gap between my city upbringing and his farm upbringing. From summer rides on the lawn mower to trips to the sale barn, I'm sure he never quite knew what to do with me especially when I cried because they "beat" the pigs at the sale barn. As I got older, we found we had many more things in common. His pastor's heart loved to discuss what I was learning in my college Bible classes, what books I was reading, recommending books he was reading. It was never an easy thing for him to say he was proud of anyone, he was far too humble, but when I received the phone call that I was the candidate of choice to be the youth pastor at our current church two years ago while we were all on vacation together as a family, he very quietly told me when no one was around that he was proud of me. He was a traditional man who could very easily have chosen not to accept or acknowledge my calling because I am a woman, but I always felt his love, support and complete acceptance.

This past week has been full of mixed emotions. M and I spent the week at camp largely out of range for cell phone service. I was very fortunate to be able to send and receive text messages from one spot in our room at camp and be able to make a couple calls. I spent my week providing input sessions and campfire times for seventy nine and ten year old campers. In between my sessions, I spent time texting or trying to call my mom for reports on Grandpa's condition. It was a strange way to say goodbye and begin letting go, but I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I was able to be part of the journey to the end of his life, part of the process of letting him go even though I was so far away. My mom and her siblings were all able to walk part of the journey with him from his side in the hospital, but only one of his grandchildren was able to be there to say goodbye in person.

Yesterday, M and I sent campers home between nine and ten in the morning. We had lunch with the camp staff and counselors and then headed home. My mom and I were on the phone catching up after a week of garbled conversations due to my week cell phone signal when she received the call from the hospital that Grandpa was gone. A few minutes after we walked in the door, she sent me a text message letting me know. She and her sister had been home less than 24 hours. Yesterday, June 21, was my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. I think he waited to achieve that milestone before allowing himself to leave this world for his permanent home.

Since we were all planning to be together starting on June 30 to celebrate their anniversary, my grandma, mom, and her siblings have opted to wait to have his service until we would all have been there anyway. Sometime toward the end of this next week, M and I will be driving to Ohio to join family in saying our final goodbye. After leaving our animals at home alone for the time we were at camp, we've got a wonderful house sitter to keep them company while we're gone this time. They were so happy to see us yesterday, I just don't want to leave them completely alone for that long again!

After almost six years of living so far away from all of my grandparents, I've learned to take full advantage of phone calls and times spent together. It's been nearly two years since I saw my grandpa face to face, but I remember our last hug like it was yesterday. I always make a special note of what those goodbye hugs feel like because I know it could be the last one. I never end a phone conversation unless we've said I love you in case it's the last time I get to say it. This spring, when I called to tell my grandparents we were expecting again, my grandpa was the only one home. We talked for quite a while about all sorts of things, and now I am so grateful for that conversation. Most of our conversations were with both grandparents on at the same time. What a privilege to have had that time alone with him! When I called several weeks ago after a rash of tornadoes in our area, he stayed on just a bit longer than my grandma to say I love you. Moments I'll never forget.

Grandpa, I know you are sitting at the feet of our Savior right now with my baby girl, and I have faith that when my time comes, I will join you there as well. I love you always!

A week of ups and downs and in betweens

What a week!

My week started out with a bang on Monday when I received the news that my grandpa had had a heart attack and was in the hospital. M was on his way to a job interview while I talked to my mom on the phone and tried to get a little more information about my grandpa's condition. M's interview went well, but my grandpa's condition has been quite a concern for us this week. His doctor recommended bypass surgery and a valve replacement/repair, but Grandpa has decided open heart surgery is not for him, so we have begun the waiting game of saying goodbye. His choice not to have the surgery is unconventional and his doctors really have no idea how much time we have with him. We have been planning a family reunion and 60th wedding anniversary celebration with my grandparents for the week of July 4th for the last two years. We're hoping he makes it that long. His health is fragile, but he seems to be holding his own day by day.

M's interview went so well he was offered and has accepted a job teaching high school American history next year. The decision to take this job was not an easy one because it felt like there was no right or wrong decision. M has been part of a fantastic group of teachers and despite the fact that this past year was not an easy one he will very much miss teaching with this group. He will be returning to teach at his own alma mater which is exciting and we're hoping he finds as much satisfaction in his work there as I have in my church work. I'm sure there will be much anxiety for both of us as he prepares to make this change, but it feels like the right time for this move.

From trying to find ways to celebrate this new opportunity for M to emotional, teary phone calls with my family, this has indeed been a roller coaster of a week! We have also reached the exact point in this pregnancy where we lost Faith in the first pregnancy. Today is twenty-one weeks and two days. Twenty-one weeks and two days into my first pregnancy I was in the hospital for the induction, waiting to deliver our baby girl. Twenty-one weeks and two days into this pregnancy I was awakened by kicks and punches. No matter how I shifted around, he just wouldn't settle back down. I was not going to be able to go back to sleep.

I've been realizing this week that there is something strange and sacred about experiencing the emotions of saying goodbye to a family member while carrying and preparing to bring the next generation into that same family. Because of my late loss in our first pregnancy, this pregnancy is high risk. After our planned trip the first week of July, my doctor has asked me not to travel again for the remainder of the pregnancy. I very much hope that my grandpa is still around for the week of our planned reunion, but I know that seeing him one last time means I most likely will not be able to be at his funeral. I would much rather have a chance to say goodbye face to face, but my heart still hurts knowing that I will be saying my final goodbye from miles away and without my family.

We're still several weeks away from being able to feel the baby move on the outside of my body according to the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. Knowing that my grandpa most likely will never meet this little guy, we purchased a fetal doppler for listening to his heartbeat this afternoon. I really want to be able to have my grandpa listen to his heartbeat and movements. I want my grandpa to be able to experience his great-grandson the best that he can before he joins his great-granddaughter in heaven. Prayers would be appreciated that we would be able to share this very special experience before we say goodbye!

Rising Anxiety and Ultrasound

There are several posts in my drafts folder right now that I've started but been unable to finish over the last month since my last post. My anxiety level has steadily risen and I haven't been able to find the words to properly express why or how it feels or anything that felt remotely genuine and honest. I don't usually find myself at a loss for words, but I haven't been able to fully formulate my thoughts leading up to today.

Two weeks ago we set the date for our 18-20 week scan. The nurse practitioner at my doctor's office recommended that we aim for an early ultrasound in hopes that a normal scan would set everyone's mind at ease. Over the last two weeks, I've found myself mentally preparing to go to this appointment and hear that again there was no heartbeat. There's no way to fully prepare oneself for that kind of news, but after last time, I didn't want to be shocked if anything abnormal turned up today. It did not. We are expecting a normal, healthy baby boy.

I realized in the shower this morning that the last time I was so nervous about anything was nearly seven years ago when I went skydiving with my father and brother. After finding out at our 18-20 week ultrasound with Faith that we had lost her, walking into the waiting room, sitting on the table preparing for the ultrasound, all of it felt like the anticipation of stepping out into the unknown and trying to prepare for a free fall. I have to admit I was grateful for my very full bladder. I'm sure that my anxiety would have been much higher sitting in the waiting room this morning if I hadn't needed to have a very full bladder!

Just to put my mind a little more at ease (and maybe yours as well), the images we saw this morning helped to eliminate a vast number of potential birth defects and conditions that I could have been and likely have been worried about for the last number of weeks. Baby Graber currently weighs around 9 ounces and is growing exactly as he should be. His vital organs are developing well and his heart rate is right on track. He stayed still long enough for us to get the images we needed and then started wiggling like crazy again. What an amazing blessing! Although today feels like a huge milestone, I still have some nagging anxieties in the back of my mind, and prayers for continued positive reports on Baby Graber's growth and development as well as peace for Mommy and Daddy would be very much appreciated.

For your viewing pleasure, a slightly off-center look at Baby Graber's profile.

Not sure there are words, but hopefully, we can all find a chuckle!

I just visited Yahoo! after finishing my preparations to teach catechism this evening, and I found this article:

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/karla-vanessa-perez-pregnant-nine-babies-unreal-195800350.html

Hopefully, you can take a look at the article, but the long and the short of it is that there's a woman in Mexico who is pregnant with nine babies. Nine babies! Uncool on so many levels! In the article, she asks for financial support. Her husband is a tire fitter and doesn't make much money, but somehow they thought it would be wise to have nine babies in addition to having one singleton and a set of triplets. And...they live with his parents!

I was so flabbergasted reading this article that I decided to scroll down to the comments. Most of the comments were about her plea for financial help. One comment really tickled my funny bone. I hope it does yours as well. Commenter Joe says, "A uterus should not be used as a clown car."

I so needed this reminder after reading the article. It diffused my anger and reminded me that I can only control my own reproductive choices. I still pray I never encounter any of these parents of "mega-multiples." I'm pretty sure "Love your neighbor" would be sorely tested!

Surprises and Panic

M says our doctors appointment today took two years off of his life, so let me start this post by saying that Baby Graber is fine! Keep that in mind as you read...

This morning as I was eating breakfast I felt what I'm 95% certain was a good, solid kick. Boy, was I surprised! I realize that I am only thirteen weeks pregnant, but according to all the baby sites, it's entirely possible to feel one's baby move this early especially if it's not your first pregnancy. At my appointment this afternoon, the nurse practitioner confirmed that there's a good chance what I felt was definitely Baby Graber making his/her presence known. I was feeling pretty good going into today's heartbeat check at the doctor's office. This was supposed to be our first visit checking the heartbeat with only the heart rate monitor, and I was sure all would go as planned.

I had a couple errands to run before going to my appointment this afternoon, and I arrived at the office to meet M with what felt like the lowest anxiety level I've had at an appointment so far. The appointment started off great all through the usual OB appointment stuff...until we got to the point of listening to the heartbeat. There were a couple thumps that sounded like they might have been movement, but no heartbeat! The nurse practitioner didn't waste much time and went almost immediately to check to see if the sonogram room was available. It was not. She said as much as she'd like to be rude and kick whoever was in the room out, she wasn't going to do that and we should try to sit tight. After you have a late pregnancy loss, you automatically get special treatment at the OB's office like worried doctors and nurses wanting to hurry routine appointments up so you don't have time to panic.

We waited for a few minutes trying to keep our anxiety at a reasonable level, and soon the room was ready. I got settled on the table, and it quickly became clear in a flurry of busy little arms and legs why we were having trouble getting a heartbeat, lots of swimming and wiggling. We even got a little wave! Such cute, tiny fingers! As best we can tell given that Baby Graber would not settle down enough to get a clear picture, he/she is measuring exactly on track! Wiggly baby pictures are all we get right now, and it's hard to see much on them besides blurry fuzz. This is one from last week since none of the ones we got this week look much like a person!

I'm pretty sure we can't handle too many more visits like today's, but the nurse practitioner reminded me that having a baby this active is a good sign. Mostly, I've been reminded not to take anything for granted, that I am justified in having high anxiety with this pregnancy, that I am so grateful that there are so many folks at our doctor's office who are incredibly sensitive to all the intense emotions we are feeling with this second pregnancy. As always prayers are appreciated, and we certainly hope that Baby Graber's tendencies to want to give Mommy and Daddy a heart attack are not an indicator that we need to be prepared for anxiety ridden teenage years!!

Feeling Fortunate

Not only is my house standing without any damage, my flowers in the backyard show absolutely no signs of the destruction that so many families in our region are facing today. We are fortunate enough to be in a pocket that sustained absolutely no damage from the storms, wind, and tornadoes that furiously made their way through Oklahoma and Kansas yesterday. Not everyone was so lucky. Oklahoma was hit worse than Kansas, but parts of Kansas were hit quite hard as well, including parts of Wichita, thirty-five minutes south of us. A couple families from our church also had close calls and damage to their houses as well a plenty of branches and debris outside.

It was a bit strange to watch the storm coverage last night, see storms with scary rotation on the radar, hear them mentioning local towns and encouraging residents to take cover, and worry for all the folks I care about who were right in the path of tornadoes. I have long thought that living in an area where tornadoes are a real threat feels more sensible than living in an area that suffers from earthquakes or other types of natural disasters. Generally, there's a warning of a tornado's arrival and time to get to safety, time to prepare. I still feel that way. Natural disasters happen and are unavoidable, like many things that cause loss in life, and with tornadoes often the loss of life can be minimized. But, I have also realized that I don't dread the loss of my life the way I did before losing my daughter.

There is someone waiting for me on the other side, someone I can't wait to meet. I have always looked forward to meeting my Savior, but there's something even more personal and joyful for me about wanting to meet my daughter. In a sense, I have a longing for heaven that I didn't have before. It's a reminder of the hope I have in Jesus and the resurrection, that without Jesus, I wouldn't be able to look forward to death with hope. Don't get me wrong! I have no desire to hasten my own arrival in heaven. I just don't look at my life, at all that I might leave behind, and think that the things I would leave behind far outweigh the benefits of heaven. Somehow knowing that Faith is waiting for me evens it all out.

Yesterday as I was listening to storm predictions, I wasn't afraid of losing my life, but I was still a bit terrified. What if I was injured by a tornado and my injuries caused me to miscarry? There are no guarantees with pregnancy. I have learned that lesson. I worry every day about losing this baby. I worry that I'm not bonding with this baby the way I should because I want to protect myself from the pain of another loss. I worry that I'm already so bonded with this baby that losing him or her would be extremely devastating. Thursday of last week marked the beginning of the second trimester. We have a long way to go, but we have reached an important milestone. The worry doesn't go away, but continuing my weekly appointment seems to be helping. We are so fortunate to have a doctor, a team of doctors, who understand our anxiety and are more than willing to do everything they can to lessen our worry.

So, today I am feeling grateful and fortunate. I have faced loss and I recognize that this time I have been spared. My bubble of protection is very transparent, and I can clearly see just how blessed I am. I will not take that protection for granted. I will do everything in my power to appreciate and enjoy my blessings, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, my home, even the flowers in my yard.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord, and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good; happy are those who take refuge in him."

Psalm 34:1-8

Still having to explain...

I had a dentist appointment today. I've been pondering this appointment for a week or so. The last time I was at the dentist was the beginning of October, and I joyfully explained that I would prefer not to have my teeth x-rayed because I was four months pregnant. The entire time I was there the hygienist wanted to talk to me about how excited I was and tell me all about her grandkids.

Since I generally have pretty good teeth (or beautiful, clean teeth as they tell me at the dentist. Do they say that to everyone?), I haven't been back to the dentist. I have been preparing myself to once again, five months after losing my daughter, explain that my baby didn't arrive as expected in February. Not only did we lose our baby, but I still can't have x-rays because I'm pregnant again. I realize that this is a good thing, but it ended up leading to a rather unusual appointment.

My regular hygienist was out today. She cut her thumb and was having it treated for a bad infection. The hygienist I saw today I've never seen before. She was in her late forties and very nice. When I explained about our loss, she ended up telling me her stories of baby loss. She and her husband have one daughter, an eight year old, and have had several miscarriages because she was forty when they started trying. After her daughter was born, she lost four more babies, fraternal twins and then conjoined twins, all in the first trimester. It's amazing how free people feel to share when they know you'll understand their loss. She hardly had any work to do on my teeth, but I was still there for quite a while.

Some days I can share my story and talk about Faith without crying, but the new pregnancy hormones have definitely added to my need to cry. I am happy to say that I not only made it through my appointment without crying, I also managed to keep my gag reflex in check despite feeling quite nauseous the whole time! I haven't, however, figured out how to control my mood very well. Mood swings were not a huge part of my first pregnancy, but apparently they're part of this one. I'm sure it has a lot to do with emotions that were already closer to the surface before I got pregnant, trying to manage my anxiety, and, of course, crazy hormones! I am so grateful for this baby and this pregnancy, but I do understand why doctors say that couples may not be emotionally ready to deal with a second pregnancy this close to a late pregnancy loss. Morning sickness, anxiety, hormones, oh my!