So Many Thoughts... Post Three

If each of today's three posts had its own title the first would be called "That Time Again," the second would be called "Someday," and this last one would be called "Sometimes." Hopefully somewhere in one of the three you've found something worth reading!

Sometimes, as we get closer every day to welcoming Baby Graber, I start thinking about doing all the little things with him that I didn't get to do with Faith and I just want to cry. The tears are both happy and sad. They are tears for what I didn't get to do with my first baby, things I wanted to do, things I didn't know I wanted to do, things my heart still longs to do. They are tears of joy because I will get to do these things and more with my son.

Yesterday we were at the hospital to preregister for delivery. There are an abundance of things to sign, choices to make, things they need to tell you about hospital policy and security and what to expect when you take your baby home. I have been warned about "purple crying" and told that it's okay to make sure your baby is safe then walk away until you are calm enough to go back to him. I've realized that even being angry and annoyed and frustrated enough to need to walk away is something that I am looking forward to because it means he's here.

I am looking forward to changing stinky diapers and complaining about explosive messes and telling everyone who touches him to "wash your hands." I am looking forward midnight feedings and snuggling on the couch and being able to stare into each others eyes and knowing that we see one another. I'm already planning in my head what he'll wear to meet this person or that person, how we'll introduce him to his family, even how we'll introduce him to Simon and Lilly. Sometimes when I think about these things, good and bad, messy and exciting, I just want to cry both for what should have been and for what will be. And, in the midst of these tears is the never ending impatience for labor to begin, the longing for these last days or weeks to go by quickly, so we can take that first family picture and share this new little person with the world!

So Many Thoughts... Post Two

Lately, I've realized that I wish there were a book that could tell me my emotions throughout this pregnancy, a pregnancy after a late loss, are normal emotions. There's such a roller coaster of emotions with any pregnancy, but I'm fairly confident that the emotions after a loss like ours are not entirely what you'd expect from most normal, routine pregnancies. Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been completely ordinary (praise God! I'm pretty sure this is the only time I want my child to fall completely within the category of 'normal'!), my emotional swings have been even more unpredictable than they were last time (just ask M).

Given that there really isn't a 'right' way to grieve the loss of a pregnancy or child, it seems that it would follow that there's no 'right' way to experience pregnancy after such a loss, but it would be nice to read that in a book. I've been rolling the idea around in my head of someday working on such a book. This book would include my own stories and those of others who have traveled the road of pregnancy after loss. It would be a book about hope. It would be a book that helps other moms know that the ups and downs they experience are normal, that there will be times when anxiety will be overwhelming and times when you feel complete elation that you have been blessed to carry another child. It would give each mom permission to experience the journey in her own way, to call her doctor for every twinge, to encourage her on the journey by sharing our own stories of what to expect when you are expecting after a loss.

This is on my list for someday, but as I'm still on the journey and want to be sure I have plenty of time with my son after he arrives, it will stay on the someday list for a while. I have a story to share, and I know there are others who have or will have stories to share. These stories need to be told so that others will not feel so alone. Pregnancy after loss is a long, long road, but I think there are things we can offer to each other when we've traveled this road that can make the journey easier for others. Someday, I'd like to have the chance to try.

So many thoughts... Post One of Three

The last couple of days I've had a lot of thoughts running through my head that are all loosely connected, but really quite different things. I've decided to give to each its own blog post. I think they are all worthy of your time and mine, so please read all three!

It's that time again. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and  yesterday kicked off a whole month of awareness raising events. The image above will be my Facebook profile image for the month of October. Yes, I realize that I am also expecting Baby Graber sometime this month, but his image and images of us together will have eleven months of the year to grace my Facebook page. My baby girl, Faith, will always be remembered for the month of October.

If you have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, I encourage you to visit this site to find the appropriate image for your loss and use it as your Facebook profile image for some or all of this month. There is incredible loneliness in the loss of a pregnancy or child. No woman should ever have to feel any more alone than they have to. Help tell the world and those around you that we are not alone in our losses, that despite being a horrible club in which to belong the "mothers of children who are not here club" is ready to support each other through the journey!

Feels like a long wait

Thursday marked 36 weeks for this pregnancy which takes my total count of weeks pregnant up to 57! I'm so ready to meet this little person. Every day we get a little more ready to welcome him. Yesterday I finished getting a baby blanket ready for him. Unfortunately, you'll all have to wait to see pictures because I appliqued his name on it! Here's a few thoughts on the last weeks of pregnancy.

First, I'm pretty sure that Baby Graber has decided not to come out. Eighteen years from now he'll still be wiggling around in my stomach as I take him off to college! I feel like I've been pregnant forever and as much as my head logically knows Baby Graber will eventually come, I have moments when I'm quite positive he's not coming out!

Second, we've reach the point in this pregnancy where Baby Graber could come anytime and be a perfectly healthy little boy. Each day that goes by gives us less time we'd have to spend in the hospital with him. Realizing that has taken my anxiety level back up. I can't help but thinking how much worse it will be if something happens at this point. I know what can go wrong, and I also know that it's unlikely that any of those things will happen, but my anxiety is still growing. I want so much to watch my son grow up and help him become the person God intends him to be. I know what it's like not to have the chance to do that, and I worry that I won't get the chance with this baby. Trust is hard right now.

Third, I'm actually looking forward to labor and delivery. I am increasingly uncomfortable. I know what labor will be like, but I also know that my doctor will do everything possible to make sure that labor has a very different outcome this time. M seems to be just waiting for me to go into labor and asks frequently how I'm feeling as though that will help us know when this little one will come. My doctor said on Wednesday that she didn't think he'd be coming before our next appointment, so I guess I'm not expecting anything to happen soon, but it's a bit strange to have people watching you so closely!

Fourth, I'm sure my anxiety has been increased in part by the fact that Baby Graber is running out of room to move. In the last couple of weeks, his movements have changed considerably. He just can't get enough momentum going to kick quite the same way. My ribs are grateful, but when he's really quiet for most of the afternoon, I can't help but worry occasionally. All this is apparently normal, but I've been assured over and over by my doctor that I can come in any time and have them check with a fetal movement monitor to be sure he's doing okay. They'd rather have me come in frequently than miss our window to do something if there's anything wrong. (Just to ease your mind as well as mine, he's moving fine right now. Lots of kicks!)

So there you have it! A few thoughts as we head into the last weeks of pregnancy. I am very eager to get the show on the road, but I also don't want to rush a baby who isn't ready into the world. Prayers for patience and trust would be appreciated, and I have to say, there's no way we'd have made it this far without the prayers and support of so many wonderful folks! Thank you!

Relaxing...a little more

We've made it to 35 weeks and had a great appointment with the doctor yesterday. We'll see her every week from here on out. Baby Graber is doing just what he's supposed to...he's running out of room! He's still finding a way to give me sore ribs, but he can't kick quite as hard because there's no room to wind up a good kick.

Yesterday's appointment provided two pieces of what feel like really good news. First, if Baby Graber were to arrive today, he might spend a day or two in the Special Care Unit, but we'd probably go home from the hospital together! That feels like fabulous news. After leaving the hospital with empty arms nearly eleven months ago, I think a huge part of me was dreading the idea of having to do that again even though we'd be returning to visit our baby. Somehow, going home together is a goal I'm not sure I even knew I had.

Second, we can expect this delivery to be more like a typical second delivery than a first delivery in spite of the fact that Baby Graber will be much larger than Faith. After hearing about 24-plus hour labors at our childbirth class, M was a bit apprehensive about labor. Given that the average time for a second delivery is 8 hours, we can expect this delivery to be shorter than last time and, to quote my doctor directly, "easier." I think I was expecting that this time would probably be faster, but it never occurred to me that I could actually hope this one would be easier given that Baby Graber is currently around six times larger or more than Faith.

Experience has taught me that Baby Graber's heartbeat could stop at any time and accidents happen, but I think our visit with the doctor yesterday is helping me relax just a little bit more. She would prefer not to induce, but she was very understanding when I mentioned that if we make it to 40 weeks, I'm probably going to be desperate to be done. She jokingly said I've been pregnant for about 3 years! (Some days it really does feel that way!!) The next goal is to keep Baby Graber where he is for about three more weeks, but then we'll all be ready for him to make an appearance anytime!

On another front, we've had other good news lately. First, a small follow up on poor, pathetic, pitiful Simon. He's no longer pathetic because his back foot isn't working! His limbs are all working fine and he seems to be feeling better. It's hard to tell just how much better, however, because his meds make him a bit of a space cadet! He sleeps most of the day on the sofa, which he needs to do in order to heal, and when he's fully awake he tends to sit and stare. He stares at people and off into space. You can tell he's not terribly focused. It's hard to see him so fuzzy, but we have to keep him on his meds for two whole weeks to be sure he has time to heal properly. We also have to make sure we don't let him jump which is quite difficult. He's used to being very independent and without the pain he was having at the beginning of the week he's ready to get back to his normal routine. I'm grateful for a compassionate vet, meds that heal, and a sleepy, spacey puppy snuggled up on the couch!

I'm also grateful for my mom's new principal. We found out yesterday that my mom and dad will be able to come for a couple of extra days at Thanksgiving! With my mom's new job (huge amount of gratitude for that!!), we weren't sure when they'd come meet Baby Graber for the first time. It was really hard to think about the idea of having them come Friday night and have to go home on Sunday. I just hate the idea of having to say goodbye again so quickly. We talked about it and decided it would be better to wait a little longer to come out so that they could come for longer. They're planning to fly out Thanksgiving Day and head home on Tuesday the following week. That gives us four whole days together instead of just one!! We'll probably spend most of Thanksgiving with M's family and then pick them up at the airport in the evening. I'm hoping we can have my grandma come for the holiday, too, so that she can meet Baby Graber, and my brother is looking at possible dates to come meet him as well. I'm sure I'll be exhausted having folks come and stay, but I am so looking forward to such special introductions!

This is Simon...

This is Simon. Simon could use a few happy thoughts sent his way right now.

Simon has been part of my family nearly all of his five years. He was about two months old when he came to live with me. He is a super sweet dog and would do anything to make M or me happy. He loves to play fetch. He loves to snuggle. His favorite treats are carrots, cucumbers, green beans, peas, and most veggies in general. He's a strange little dog, but he's a great buddy.

Yesterday Simon stopped playing very suddenly. He never does that! He walked home with M and clearly wasn't himself. He was panting and shaking, sure signs that a dachshund is in pain. We called the vet and immediately put him in his crate to keep him from hurting himself any more. The vet called back last night and said it sounded like a bulging disc, and he recommended we treat him with a little aspirin. We gave him a round of aspirin last night before putting him to bed.

This morning Simon was clearly still having pain. We gave him another aspirin and waited to see how he'd do. He was walking very awkwardly and looked stiff. I called the vet's office as soon as they opened this morning and we took Simon in for a 2:30 appointment this afternoon. By the time we got to the vet's office, Simon's right back leg was causing him problems. The vet found a spot about half way down Simon's back that was very sensitive, clearly the problem area. Simon got a steroid shot in the office along with a take-home pharmacy including oral steroids and muscle relaxants.

Simon's favorite person in the whole world is M. He's currently snuggled up on the sofa with M resting. The vet thinks he's got a good shot at being back to normal with two weeks of meds and a few adjustments in his normal routine. We need to keep him from jumping up and down off of furniture and carry him down the deck stairs at least until he's healed, longer if we can manage it.

If you get a chance to send a few happy thoughts Simon's way, we'd all appreciate it. It's hard to see such a happy, loving dog in so much pain, but we caught this before it turned into a ruptured disc (much worse!) so we just need to stick it out for a few days until we get his pain under control and then it'll be a challenge trying to help him rest so he heals completely. With a little over five weeks until my due date, we'd like Simon to be back to his old tricks sooner rather than later so he can help us welcome Baby Graber home. I know they're going to be best buds!

Not quite awake...

This morning I wandered out of my bedroom not quite awake. I looked across the room, without my contacts or glasses, and saw the fuzzy image of an infant car seat. Who left a baby.... The thought only managed to half form in my head before I realized that's MY baby's car seat!!

We've been collecting baby gear in the bedroom next to ours for what feels like forever. We had just started to collect a few things when we lost Faith, and our first reaction was to close the door and try to forget what was inside. Over the weeks between pregnancies, that bedroom became a catchall storage area. When spring break arrived in March, we spend some time cleaning it out, sorting all the things we'd stored, getting rid of some things, finding permanent homes for others. It has stayed more or less neat and tidy since then, but over the last couple of weeks we've begun accumulating things in there again. This time, however, it's been baby things, things that belong in a nursery.

The room is beginning to come together. We have an antique dresser that will double as our changing table. We put up the crib before M went back to school. We added the mattress a couple of weeks ago. My father-in-law recovered the seat of a beautiful wooden rocking chair and delivered it recently. He also added an additional shelf and rod to one of the room's closets so that Baby Graber will eventually be able to choose his own clothes and dress himself without M or I having to reach things for him. My mother-in-law has finished the crib quilt she started exactly one year ago and she even made a valance to match. The nursery officially has a Very Hungry Caterpillar theme (from author Eric Carle).

(C - I hope you don't mind. I needed to show this off!)

That's my mother-in-law hiding behind the quilt in her beautiful, sunny sewing room! The quilt turned out absolutely amazing and the valance to match was added to the nursery last night.

More pictures of the nursery will be coming as we continue to add to the room. It's amazing to me how much we've already amassed for this little person and how much more it feels like we need. I have a basket of clothes that are washed and ready to go. I have cloth diapers washed and ready to go even though we don't plan to use them right away. There are so many things ready and waiting.

We're down to about six weeks (or less if he's early!), and I have to admit there's this not-quite-awake feeling that creeps up on me at times. I am so ready to meet this little person, but every time I leave the house to run to the grocery store or pick up the mail, I'm reminded how much more complicated those simple activities will be in just a few weeks. I guess most new parents experience this feeling as they near the birth of their baby, a feeling of anticipation and wonder at what life will be like once the baby that has spent so many long months growing safely inside is suddenly a part of your life in a very different way.

I've spent so many of the last months pregnant that even when I dream I always dream that I'm pregnant. I'm starting to wonder if I'll stay pregnant in my dreams long after Baby Graber arrives! I'm very ready for the changes that will soon come to our lives with this new arrival, but I think that until he's here and we're living the day-to-day reality of life with Baby, I'm always going to feel a little bit of the not-quite-awake sensation I experienced this morning, a sense of wonder and anticipation along with a sense of surprise that this is my baby, my son, whose birth this house is anxiously awaiting.