I wish I had something profound to say, but I really don't. Three years ago Sunday we found out that our baby had died. Three years ago yesterday my first labor was induced. Three years ago today I gave birth for the first time. Three years ago today I held my oldest child for the only time.
It's hard to believe it's been three years since we lost Faith. I still feel incredibly sad thinking about her. I still miss her terribly. I'm always aware at birthdays and holidays and random times in between that someone is missing from our family, that there's a hole in me and in our life where a special little girl should be.
At the same time, I can breathe. I can wake up each day and function. I can feel joy and happiness and love.
There's a strange thing that happens over time as we heal. We learn to accept life the way it is now. We learn to appreciate what we have in new ways. We become more intentional in our living. We move on. We never forget. We never truly say goodbye. We carry our missing loved one with us but we learn to live through the grief.
N is two now and soon he will start to form the memories that will stay with him the rest of his life. Soon he will begin to remember our trips to Faith' s grave. Next year when we go I will want to explain to him where we are and why we're there. I will want him to begin to understand that Faith is part of his story too. As we say goodbye again today to our oldest child I will also be thinking of ways to include her in our family, to make her story part of our journey in ways that will help both of my boys understand that grief and loss are a part of life and give them the courage to find healthy ways to experience those emotions.
Three years ago today I became a parent. Three years ago today I was at the beginning of a journey I never wanted to take. Three years ago today. In three years I have learned much, loved much, cried much, and laughed much. Thanks be to God for walking with me through the darkness and brokenness of this day three years ago and for bringing me to this time and place of being able to remember with peace in my heart.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Nearing the End
(Just a side note. As I write this, I have a very angry toddler throwing a temper tantrum all over the house who I am trying to ignore, so bear with me if my thoughts are more garbled than they would be with just pregnancy brain.)
We made it again. Today marks 37 weeks, the point at which doctors won't stop labor if it starts naturally. Baby Graber #2 can now come at any time, however, my c-section isn't scheduled until two weeks from today. That means we have at most two weeks until his arrival. M thinks (or maybe I should say, hopes) he's coming early. I think he'll wait until my c-section, but who knows. We are mostly ready for his arrival. His bassinet still needs to be cleaned and hauled up from the basement, but his clothes and blankets are clean, we have diapers, and the car seat is clean and ready to be installed in the car.
We've also been working hard on some sleep training with N to get him into a better routine before #2 arrives. I have to say I am officially a fan of the Sleep Lady Shuffle. If you are looking for a book that can help you with sleep issues from birth through age five, check out this book The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight. It's been a huge help for us. N had such reflux that the only way we felt safe sleeping early on was to co-sleep so that we'd be right there if he needed us, but that evolved into many frustrations with a growing toddler continuing to think he needed to sleep some or all of the night in bed with us. Not cool. Think two adults, one with a giant, miniature furnace in her pregnant belly, and a very mobile toddler sharing a bed in the summer. No amount of moving air could solve the problems of heat and poor sleep for mom and dad!
Two weeks into sleep training, we are able to put N in bed say goodnight and have minimal tears (10 seconds or less) before he gets quiet and puts himself to sleep. I will admit that it has not been the easiest journey to this point. There have been plenty of tears, but the best thing about this method for us has been the more gradual transition. This method gradually moves parents out of the child's bedroom in three day increments rather than simply putting the child in bed and letting them "cry it out" immediately, something I just couldn't bring myself to do. It's more about teaching the child to put themselves to sleep by building on bonds of trust between the parent and child and for that to happen your presence is a must.
N is now actually able to tell us when he's ready to be put in the crib and he seems to understand the routine. He's sleeping for eleven hours straight (from 7:30 or 7:45 to 6:30 or 6:45!) and we're able to put him down for naps without having to take a drive in the car and hope we can get him into the crib without waking him! Given that we were aiming for a 9 o'clock bedtime with about the same wake up time, we're amazed at having a significant portion of our evenings child free without having to be up before the sun. I am grateful for the ability to have some quiet at the end of the day and especially for being able to sleep all night, but there is a part of me that misses holding N until he fell asleep every night. And, I have to admit that part of me wanted to cry last night when I got a "bye" after I tucked him under his blanket and realized that my baby isn't a baby anymore and doesn't need me in the same way.
N is now 21 months and the next few weeks are going to force him to grow up a lot. I have moments when I can't help but feel sad thinking about how much is going to change. Don't get me wrong. I am super excited to meet #2 and for my boys to grow up with playmates so close to their own ages, but N has been a rather pampered little guy up to this point (part of the reason he needs a sibling) and I know the adjustment will be a hard one for him. The fact that love expands as more children join a family doesn't mean that time also expands. It just means that both children have less undivided attention. N is a pretty independent guy most of the time, but I know that I won't be able to take advantage of the times he just wants to sit and snuggle in the same way once the new baby is here. It will definitely be a big change for all of us. Sleep training with N has been one way of helping prepare him for the changes ahead.
So here we are in the last weeks of another pregnancy. It's been pretty uneventful, normal even, despite having weekly non-stress tests for the last nine weeks (as a result of being high risk). My feet, ankles and hands feel swollen to their limit and the bowling ball in my belly is getting quite heavy, but otherwise I feel fine. A little emotional from all the hormones and such, tired and hot, but all that is normal, a very welcome word. Baby G is running out of room and moving less because of it, but he still manages to be a busy little guy when he wants to be and kicks hard enough cause my belly to look like an alien is trying to get out. We're headed in to preregister at the hospital this afternoon and I know people wonder when they look at me if I am going to go into labor right before their eyes (we celebrated communion on Sunday and the deacons were joking that if I went into labor while serving communion it would be okay because we have both multiple EMTs and an obstetrician in our church). Even my doctor made sure to tell us that she's not going anywhere in the next two weeks so she's all set to come in and do my c-section early if I go into labor, so we've officially entered the "anytime" stage. Hopefully, my next post will be a baby announcement from the hospital!
We made it again. Today marks 37 weeks, the point at which doctors won't stop labor if it starts naturally. Baby Graber #2 can now come at any time, however, my c-section isn't scheduled until two weeks from today. That means we have at most two weeks until his arrival. M thinks (or maybe I should say, hopes) he's coming early. I think he'll wait until my c-section, but who knows. We are mostly ready for his arrival. His bassinet still needs to be cleaned and hauled up from the basement, but his clothes and blankets are clean, we have diapers, and the car seat is clean and ready to be installed in the car.
We've also been working hard on some sleep training with N to get him into a better routine before #2 arrives. I have to say I am officially a fan of the Sleep Lady Shuffle. If you are looking for a book that can help you with sleep issues from birth through age five, check out this book The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight. It's been a huge help for us. N had such reflux that the only way we felt safe sleeping early on was to co-sleep so that we'd be right there if he needed us, but that evolved into many frustrations with a growing toddler continuing to think he needed to sleep some or all of the night in bed with us. Not cool. Think two adults, one with a giant, miniature furnace in her pregnant belly, and a very mobile toddler sharing a bed in the summer. No amount of moving air could solve the problems of heat and poor sleep for mom and dad!
Two weeks into sleep training, we are able to put N in bed say goodnight and have minimal tears (10 seconds or less) before he gets quiet and puts himself to sleep. I will admit that it has not been the easiest journey to this point. There have been plenty of tears, but the best thing about this method for us has been the more gradual transition. This method gradually moves parents out of the child's bedroom in three day increments rather than simply putting the child in bed and letting them "cry it out" immediately, something I just couldn't bring myself to do. It's more about teaching the child to put themselves to sleep by building on bonds of trust between the parent and child and for that to happen your presence is a must.
N is now actually able to tell us when he's ready to be put in the crib and he seems to understand the routine. He's sleeping for eleven hours straight (from 7:30 or 7:45 to 6:30 or 6:45!) and we're able to put him down for naps without having to take a drive in the car and hope we can get him into the crib without waking him! Given that we were aiming for a 9 o'clock bedtime with about the same wake up time, we're amazed at having a significant portion of our evenings child free without having to be up before the sun. I am grateful for the ability to have some quiet at the end of the day and especially for being able to sleep all night, but there is a part of me that misses holding N until he fell asleep every night. And, I have to admit that part of me wanted to cry last night when I got a "bye" after I tucked him under his blanket and realized that my baby isn't a baby anymore and doesn't need me in the same way.
N is now 21 months and the next few weeks are going to force him to grow up a lot. I have moments when I can't help but feel sad thinking about how much is going to change. Don't get me wrong. I am super excited to meet #2 and for my boys to grow up with playmates so close to their own ages, but N has been a rather pampered little guy up to this point (part of the reason he needs a sibling) and I know the adjustment will be a hard one for him. The fact that love expands as more children join a family doesn't mean that time also expands. It just means that both children have less undivided attention. N is a pretty independent guy most of the time, but I know that I won't be able to take advantage of the times he just wants to sit and snuggle in the same way once the new baby is here. It will definitely be a big change for all of us. Sleep training with N has been one way of helping prepare him for the changes ahead.
So here we are in the last weeks of another pregnancy. It's been pretty uneventful, normal even, despite having weekly non-stress tests for the last nine weeks (as a result of being high risk). My feet, ankles and hands feel swollen to their limit and the bowling ball in my belly is getting quite heavy, but otherwise I feel fine. A little emotional from all the hormones and such, tired and hot, but all that is normal, a very welcome word. Baby G is running out of room and moving less because of it, but he still manages to be a busy little guy when he wants to be and kicks hard enough cause my belly to look like an alien is trying to get out. We're headed in to preregister at the hospital this afternoon and I know people wonder when they look at me if I am going to go into labor right before their eyes (we celebrated communion on Sunday and the deacons were joking that if I went into labor while serving communion it would be okay because we have both multiple EMTs and an obstetrician in our church). Even my doctor made sure to tell us that she's not going anywhere in the next two weeks so she's all set to come in and do my c-section early if I go into labor, so we've officially entered the "anytime" stage. Hopefully, my next post will be a baby announcement from the hospital!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
And, again...
I believe it's been more than six months since I felt the need to add to this blog. Grieving for a baby changes over time especially when you have a busy toddler running around the house reminding you that God is good. There are so many, many people who experience loss after loss without the joy and distraction of another child. We know that we have been blessed. Our story has become one of hope just as I desired when Faith was born.
And for us, that hope continues to grow. We have reached the twenty week mark with a new little one. Baby Boy Graber #2 will be joining our family in early August. We took a lovely look at our little one yesterday via sonogram and everything looks great. I have to say that there is very little that is more beautiful than seeing a fast little heartbeat on the screen.
So, if you've followed this blog over the last two years or have been part of our story, you may be wondering about how this pregnancy is different from the last one. First, the anxiety of this pregnancy has been significantly less. Knowing that my body is able to carry a baby to full term and seeing the evidence of that every day makes it much easier to let go of the anxiety. Listening to Baby's heartbeat on our home doppler nearly every day is also very much of a worry-reducer. To be perfectly honest, I think both M and I are more anxious about having two little boys less than twenty-two months apart!
Second, I've been much busier than I was during either of my previous two pregnancies. Running after a (currently) seventeen-month-old and trying to keep my meals down was an overwhelming job for many weeks. I managed to only make one trip to the hospital for IVs earlier this month, for which I am immensely grateful. Baby survived my inability to keep food down much better than I did. Who knew that my worst morning sickness would come at seventeen weeks rather than in the first trimester!
Third, because I have had one pregnancy to term, my schedule of doctor's visits has been significantly less. We went in at seven weeks to check via sono for a heartbeat which was followed by visits at eleven weeks, fifteen weeks, and a full sono at twenty weeks. This schedule of visits is much like it would be for someone who is not high risk due to previous late term pregnancy loss. The frequency of my visits will likely change some as we get further along and I'm still not allowed to travel during the third trimester, but for the most part this third pregnancy is being treated as a normal pregnancy. And, for someone who has lost a baby in pregnancy, there's not a better word than to be told everything looks "normal."
As I've said on this blog countless times before, your prayers are very much desired as we face this new change in family life. We are so blessed to have a wonderful community behind us and we couldn't do any of this without the knowledge that people are praying for us. It not only takes a village to raise a child but to be a family. We are deeply indebted to the village that surrounds us and lifts us up, who blesses us with their presence in our lives, who cares for our weary spirits and encourages us with their love. Many thanks and much love!
And for us, that hope continues to grow. We have reached the twenty week mark with a new little one. Baby Boy Graber #2 will be joining our family in early August. We took a lovely look at our little one yesterday via sonogram and everything looks great. I have to say that there is very little that is more beautiful than seeing a fast little heartbeat on the screen.
So, if you've followed this blog over the last two years or have been part of our story, you may be wondering about how this pregnancy is different from the last one. First, the anxiety of this pregnancy has been significantly less. Knowing that my body is able to carry a baby to full term and seeing the evidence of that every day makes it much easier to let go of the anxiety. Listening to Baby's heartbeat on our home doppler nearly every day is also very much of a worry-reducer. To be perfectly honest, I think both M and I are more anxious about having two little boys less than twenty-two months apart!
Second, I've been much busier than I was during either of my previous two pregnancies. Running after a (currently) seventeen-month-old and trying to keep my meals down was an overwhelming job for many weeks. I managed to only make one trip to the hospital for IVs earlier this month, for which I am immensely grateful. Baby survived my inability to keep food down much better than I did. Who knew that my worst morning sickness would come at seventeen weeks rather than in the first trimester!
Third, because I have had one pregnancy to term, my schedule of doctor's visits has been significantly less. We went in at seven weeks to check via sono for a heartbeat which was followed by visits at eleven weeks, fifteen weeks, and a full sono at twenty weeks. This schedule of visits is much like it would be for someone who is not high risk due to previous late term pregnancy loss. The frequency of my visits will likely change some as we get further along and I'm still not allowed to travel during the third trimester, but for the most part this third pregnancy is being treated as a normal pregnancy. And, for someone who has lost a baby in pregnancy, there's not a better word than to be told everything looks "normal."
As I've said on this blog countless times before, your prayers are very much desired as we face this new change in family life. We are so blessed to have a wonderful community behind us and we couldn't do any of this without the knowledge that people are praying for us. It not only takes a village to raise a child but to be a family. We are deeply indebted to the village that surrounds us and lifts us up, who blesses us with their presence in our lives, who cares for our weary spirits and encourages us with their love. Many thanks and much love!
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